Today we’re going to talk about the use and abuse of control.

Narcissists use control to protect their egos, regulate their own emotions, and use their children as tools to gain and maintain that control. When children are involved, the narcissistic parent will often use them as pawns to undermine the other parent. There are many ways this happens, but today we’re going to talk about one very specific thing.

Chloe’s phone.

I know that children having phones can be a controversial subject, but there are specific reasons Chloe has one. Those of you who have read my previous posts already know that Sly’s harassment through texts, calls, emails, and messages became so excessive that my attorney instructed me to block him from all forms of communication outside of our parenting app, after notifying him that I would be doing so.

Sly and I are both required to use and pay for a parenting app where all communication is supposed to take place. The app even includes a free call feature, which Sly refuses to use. Our parenting plan specifically states that Chloe is to have unrestricted access to communicate with either parent between the hours of 8AM and 8PM.

That detail matters for this story.

Because without another way for Chloe to contact either parent directly, Jake and I made the decision to put a phone on our plan for her. We immediately provided Sly with her phone number and information. This phone is her only direct way to communicate with anyone while she is with him.

And I have always encouraged Chloe to communicate with her father and his side of the family when she is with us. Always.

We also have Life360 and Family Link installed on her phone. Life360 lets us know where she is and alerts us in case of emergencies or accidents. Family Link allows parental controls and monitoring for safety purposes. Sly claims these apps mean we are “stalking” Chloe, which is honestly ridiculous. Most parents want to know where their children are and what they are doing online for safety reasons. Nothing prevents him from having access to the same safety features himself, but he chooses not to.

So here we are.

It is now summertime, and Sly took Chloe on a cruise to Alaska that left Seattle on Monday. Today is Friday the 29th, and Chloe’s phone has been turned off since the Friday before they even left.

Not ignored. Not delayed. Off.

And yes, before anyone says it, I understand cruises. I understand airplane mode. I understand expensive Wi-Fi packages and limited connectivity in the middle of the ocean.

As I continued to think about it, I realized something else. This was not a cruise sailing through foreign countries where regular cell service would be unavailable the entire time. Their itinerary included Ketchikan, Sitka, and Juneau—ports in Alaska where Verizon service is generally available. Even their stop in British Columbia would not explain days of complete silence. Could there have been periods while they were at sea when communication was limited? Of course. But that is very different from a phone being powered off and unreachable for days. When you have lived through patterns of coercive control, you learn to look beyond the convenient explanations and pay attention to what keeps happening. Context matters. History matters. And sometimes what others dismiss as a simple technical issue is actually part of a much larger pattern of controlling access, information, and communication.

But what people outside of these dynamics do not understand is that context matters. Patterns matter. History matters.

Chloe always has her phone. Always. She charges it every night. She sleeps with it beside her bed. She takes it everywhere. If I text her, she responds. If I call her, she answers or calls me back. That phone is not just a device to her. It is comfort. Connection. Security. It is her direct line to me when she is away from home.

There are also things Chloe is currently going through that she does not feel comfortable discussing with her father. She has specifically been told to keep her phone with her and place it on airplane mode while on the cruise in case of an emergency related to those situations.

I know my daughter well enough to know this was not her decision.

The part that makes this even more frustrating is that Sly does not even pay for her phone. Jake and I do. We got her this phone specifically because communication had already become such a recurring issue. There had already been too many instances where access to her was controlled, limited, or interrupted depending on Sly’s mood, anger, or need for control. The phone was supposed to eliminate that problem. It was supposed to guarantee that Chloe always had direct access to both parents.

Instead, it became just another thing to control.

And aside from the control itself, Sly is once again in contempt of court by violating the parenting plan. Chloe is supposed to have access to communicate with either parent between the hours of 8am and 8pm, every day. Her phone has now been off for almost a week. I sent him a message strictly for documentation purposes, and of course, he has not even read it.

This is one of the hardest things to explain to people who have never dealt with narcissistic abuse or coercive control. From the outside, people hear “her phone is off” and think the reaction is excessive. They think maybe it is bad timing, bad service, or just unfortunate circumstances.

But the issue is not the phone itself.

The issue is the pattern behind it.

Narcissistic control is rarely obvious. It thrives in gray areas where there is always a reasonable excuse available. It works through power, unpredictability, and emotional deprivation while maintaining plausible deniability. And when children are involved, communication often becomes part of that control dynamic.

Calls go unanswered. Messages are ignored. Phones get turned off. Access becomes limited. Not necessarily because there is always a legitimate reason, but because control itself becomes the point.

The narcissistic parent understands exactly what access and communication represent. Most people assume the goal is simply to hurt the other parent, but the reality is often much bigger than that. The goal is control.

And when children are involved, they frequently become the vehicle through which that control is exercised.

Communication gets limited. Calls go unanswered. Phones get turned off. Access becomes restricted. Not because the child asked for it. Not because it benefits the child. But because controlling access allows one parent to control the entire situation.

What often gets overlooked is the impact this has on the child.

Children should never be put in a position where communication with people they love is controlled, monitored, restricted, or used as leverage. They should not have to worry about whether they can reach a parent if they need comfort, reassurance, support, or help. They should not have to navigate adult power struggles.

Yet that is exactly what happens when a parent decides that access to a child is theirs to control.

The phone itself is not the issue.

The issue is that Chloe was given a phone so she would always have a way to communicate with both sides of her family. She was given a way to stay connected, feel secure, and know she could reach out if she needed to.

When that access is taken away, the question is not, “Why is Mom upset?”

The question is, “Why is a child being denied the ability to communicate freely with the people who love her?”

That is the part people often miss.

This is not about a phone.

It is about a child being placed in the middle of someone else’s need for control.

And that is the most damaging part of all.

Resources for Parents Experiencing Coercive Control, Domestic Abuse, or Post-Separation Abuse

If you are experiencing domestic abuse, coercive control, stalking, harassment, intimidation, or abuse through the family court system, please know that help is available.

National Domestic Violence Hotline
Call: 800-799-SAFE (7233)
Text: “START” to 88788
Website: www.thehotline.org

National Parent Helpline
Call: 855-427-2736
Website: www.nationalparenthelpline.org

StrongHearts Native Helpline (for Native American and Alaska Native survivors)
Call: 844-762-8483
Website: www.strongheartshelpline.org

VictimConnect Resource Center
Call or Text: 855-484-2846
Website: www.victimconnect.org

Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline
Call or Text: 800-422-4453
Website: www.childhelphotline.org

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
Call or Text: 988
Website: www.988lifeline.org

If you are in immediate danger, call 911 or your local emergency services.

To the Parent Reading This

If you are dealing with a co-parent who uses communication, access, scheduling, or your children as tools of control, I want you to know that you are not alone.

Many of us have spent years being told we are overreacting, imagining things, or being “difficult” when we simply wanted our children to have healthy relationships with both parents.

Keep documenting.

Keep advocating for your child.

Keep creating peace and stability in your own home.

And most importantly, remember this: your child is watching more than you realize. They see who shows up. They see who listens. They see who loves them without conditions.

Even when you feel powerless, your consistency matters.

Your love matters.

And your child matters.