When Co-Parenting With a Narcissist Becomes a Battle Over Control

You all know that when I sit down to write a blog post, it usually means something has happened with Sly. And honestly, it’s not just a one-time thing—it’s a repeated pattern.

This time, it revolves around the parenting app we’re court ordered to use. He refuses to check messages unless it’s convenient for him, or unless he wants to respond with something pointless. Meanwhile, important information sits there unread.

The Schoolwork Struggle

On September 4th, I had a conversation with one of Chloe’s teachers about a zero she received for an assignment. The thing is, I knew she had completed that assignment—we had done it together. Thankfully, the teacher allowed her to make it up. Since Chloe was scheduled to be with Sly that weekend, I sent him a message through the parenting app explaining the situation so he could help her redo the assignment.

As of today—September 15th—he still hasn’t read that message.

It doesn’t stop there. He also has outstanding medical expenses that he is legally required to pay within 30 days. The deadline is October 3rd, but again, the messages about these bills remain unopened.

Just this past weekend, Chloe had another writing assignment. It wasn’t listed clearly online or in her agenda, but she knew she was supposed to complete it. When I checked her grades this morning, she had another zero. I immediately contacted the teacher, who kindly gave Chloe until tomorrow to finish it. I sent Chloe a message, I sent him a message… but neither has been acknowledged.

The Pattern of Neglect

This situation highlights something deeper about parenting with a narcissist. Sly doesn’t ensure Chloe does her homework, reads, or stays on top of her school responsibilities. Instead, his “parenting” looks like taking her to concerts, the beach, or his girlfriend’s house. On the surface, it looks fun—he’s the fun parent who gets the glory without putting in the work.

Meanwhile, I’m the one up with Chloe until 8:00 at night on school nights, making sure she studies and completes her assignments. I’m the one communicating with teachers, tracking deadlines, and managing consequences. And yet, somehow, he still manages to be seen as the upstanding parent.

The Narcissist’s Game of Control

So why does he do this?

Because it’s about control. A narcissist doesn’t neglect responsibilities out of ignorance—it’s intentional. By refusing to check messages, he forces me to carry the entire weight of responsibility. He knows I’ll step in, because I refuse to let my child fail. In his mind, that gives him control.

It’s a classic dynamic: I’m cast as the “strict parent,” the one who enforces homework, grades, and discipline. He gets to play the hero, swooping in with rewards, trips, and fun experiences. This is not co-parenting—it’s manipulation.

What We Know About Narcissistic Parents

Research has shown time and again that narcissistic parents share common patterns:

• Image Over Substance – Psychologists note that narcissistic parents are deeply invested in how they appear to others. They want the admiration that comes with being seen as the “fun” or “involved” parent, but often avoid the day-to-day responsibilities that don’t give them praise (Campbell & Miller, The Handbook of Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder).
• Control Through Chaos – A 2015 study published in the Journal of Child Custody found that narcissistic co-parents frequently undermine communication and consistency because it keeps the other parent off-balance. Refusing to answer messages or ignoring agreements isn’t laziness—it’s strategy.
• Good Cop / Bad Cop Trap – According to Dr. Karyl McBride, author of Will I Ever Be Free of You?, narcissistic parents often manipulate dynamics so that they are the “good cop” while the other parent becomes the enforcer. Children then associate one parent with fun and the other with discipline, which can distort their sense of fairness and stability.
• Long-Term Harm – Research shows children of narcissistic parents are more likely to struggle with anxiety, self-esteem, and boundary-setting as adults because they grow up in environments where love feels conditional and responsibility is unbalanced.

When you see these patterns repeated—fun trips instead of homework, ignoring important communication, undermining the other parent—it stops looking like disorganization and starts looking like a deliberate strategy of control.

The Impact on Chloe

The heartbreaking part is that Chloe is the one caught in the middle. If she doesn’t finish this writing assignment, she could fail the entire quarter. Not because she isn’t capable, but because one parent refuses to take responsibility.

And that’s the real damage: narcissistic control doesn’t just affect the co-parent. It ripples into the child’s life, jeopardizing their education, confidence, and stability.

Final Thoughts

I don’t know if Chloe will turn in this assignment tomorrow. I’ve done everything I can—messaging teachers, reminding her, sending notes to her father. But if this keeps up, she’ll continue to struggle not because of her ability, but because of his refusal to act as a responsible parent.

Narcissists want to control the game, even if it means their own child pays the price. And that’s a reality I wish more people understood when they look at parents like me—exhausted, frustrated, and fighting for our children’s success.