Narcissistic Abuse Survival

I couldn’t think of a better title for this post today. Quite a bit has happened recently, and I’m going to write about these events. I’m also going to write about some of the research I’ve done about how a narcissist treats their children, and why. The stories contained in this post are factual, but names have been changed and aliases used for privacy and protection.

Going back to some of my previous posts regarding abuse. It isn’t always physical. In fact, most times it is verbal, mental or emotional abuse. I wrote a blog post about his once before, so feel free to go back and read that before moving forward with this post. I’m mentioning this as a reminder, because the abuse doesn’t stop unless you leave. Unfortunately, children are not mature enough to realize or understand what is happening to them… and worse, they can’t leave.

First I’ll tell you about a few things that have happened lately, including things that were said, reactions, and about the anger and tears from Chloe.

One thing I am going to write about involves religion. A disclaimer about that; this is in no way, shape or form written to offend anyone of any particular religion or denomination. I respect everyone, no matter what you believe. It is simply an account of what happened and nothing more.

With that being said…here we go with a little back story so you’ll understand the gist. Sly was raised Catholic, and still claims to be, although he is not a “practicing” Catholic meaning he does not attend mass on a regular basis, does not take communion and does not attend church/mass on the other holy days such as Palm Sunday or Ash Wednesday, and so on. I am not Catholic, and we’ll leave it at that. When I married Sly, I wanted to get married outside, but I was pressured and agreed to get married in a Catholic Church. When you get married in a Catholic Church there are several things you need to do prior to that marriage ceremony. This post isn’t about that, so feel free to look it up if you’re not familiar. Apparently, there is some sort of paperwork that you fill out stating that when you raise children, you’ll raise them Catholic. Well, truth be told, I don’t remember that part. However, after a divorce that sort of goes out the window. As far as raising Chloe, I wanted, and still want for her to be well educated in religion before making her choice on a religion or denomination for the rest of her life. I don’t believe she should be forced or coerced into doing something. I made that perfectly clear before Chloe was even born.

A couple of weeks ago Chloe and I were talking one day after school, and she out of the blue mentioned to me that her father signed her up to get her first communion. For those of you that are not Catholic, usually children around 7 years old start Faith Formation classes, which they usually take for about 2 years before they can take their first communion. This was something that I was slightly shocked to hear, because of course nothing had been mentioned to me and nothing had ever been discussed. The detective in me started doing some research the next day, and I called the church where Chloe was baptized…which I assumed what the same church he started the paperwork.

Well, I learned a few important legal things during that conversation. First, at least here in Florida, both parents have to agree and provide their written consent for their child to participate. This is not just in certain churches, but ALL Catholic Churches. Also, their classes are on Wednesdays, which is a day that I have Chloe, so I thought it was strange especially since still, I had not heard anything from Sly.

The next day, Chloe casually mentioned to me that it wasn’t the church she was baptized at, but it was Miss Micah’s church. “Micah” is Sly’s girlfriend. Hmmm…. okay, so he filled out paperwork for a church outside of his parish (not that it matters), and that neither him nor Chloe have ever gone to church to. If you’re with me so far, does it seem like he’s attempting to hide something? I mean, why not have Chloe just do this at her home church that they “supposedly” go to? Why not just ask me about it, and have a discussion? At this point, it makes no sense. Poor Chloe doesn’t have any information, and is seemingly confused as to what’s going on. So, after a little bit of digging, I found the right church. That was on Friday, almost two weeks ago. I called the church, and the Diocese that they’re a part of and was given some information about contacting their Canon Lawyer back on Monday.

Well… low and behold… I got this message that Monday morning. The FIRST communication from Sly about any of this. This came into the parenting portal.

I won’t post the actual consent forms because of what they are…but they don’t even say the name of the church or any identifying information. He never told me the name of the church, why he wanted to take her there, or anything. He mentioned Wednesday above, and that was breakfast with Mom’s at Chloe’s school in which he dropped her off. Well, actually he walked her to me, instead of dropping her off in the car line. He only did that to hand me a clip board to tell me “that’s in case you didn’t sign the consent forms yet”. I sent the below message to him first thing Wednesday morning before he arrived at the school. So after he handed me the clip board, I said to him “I haven’t signed them yet, and you have a message to read in the parent portal”. He then bent down and said to Chloe “your mom won’t let you do this. Have a good day”, and just left. The message that is below contains the information that I learned when I spoke to the Deacon as well as the Lawyer, and is the message that I sent to Sly that Wednesday morning.

That was sent on the 25th, and you can see when he read it. Nothing else has been said, well at least to me. Chloe and I talked about it, and she met with her counselor about it as well. There was a conversation that was had, and Chloe did express her feelings that she felt she was being forced into this. Her actual words, as tears rolled down her face, were “My dad is forcing me to do this and he can’t do that!”. But, for now, she won’t be participating in the preparation classes. If she chooses on her own to do this because it is what she feels is right in her heart, then I’ll support her. But, I cannot and will not support someone forcing her to do something especially when they don’t practice what they preach, so to speak.

This entire scenario is a perfect example of how a narcissist operates with their children. First is the simple disregarding of boundaries. He chose to do what he wanted on his own, as if Chloe or I don’t exist. Then after he was unable to do it on his own, he sends me only the consent forms. He also consistently devalues Chloe’s interests, and this is a direct form of that. Sly has never once asked Chloe what she wants, or even talks to her to see what her interests are or what she believes. With him, it is all in what he tells her to do. And that, my friends, is called control. If you have ever read my prior posts, you know that control is one of the most prevalent characteristics of someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. A narcissist will try and control their victims, with a complete disregard for what their victims wants or how they feel. Once the narcissist knows they cannot directly get to you, they will do this to your child(ren). And, as I’ve said it before… this is abuse.

In any normal relationship between divorced parents, there are discussions about the child and their well being, especially when it comes to something like their religion, schools, and other things that will affect their lives. Trying to co-parent with a narcissist is virtually impossible. The above is just one example of why.

The next topic is simply the fact that when Sly gets his knickers in a knot because he doesn’t like how I’ve responded to something, he goes into what I like to call “shut down mode”. By that I mean, he completely ignores messages for days, doesn’t respond to any messages (no matter how urgent), doesn’t check messages from Chloe, and just completely ignores everything. It’s what he’s always done.

Below you’ll see a series of messages that I’ve sent to him about the First Communion issue, when Chloe got sick, and about a cheer camp they have once a year at school. It shows the dates the messages were sent, and still as of today the messages have not yet been read. And just as a side note: the parenting app is just that, an app for your phone, and you can also access it on the computer. Sly, however, refuses to put it on his phone so he doesn’t get messages or notifications on his phone, and just checks it when its convenient for him. I’ve never figured this out… I mean, I want notifications about my child when she’s not with me, wouldn’t you? Especially if she’s sick or injured, or in case of emergency.

Narcissists need control, and ignoring everything is one way they attempt to gain that control. According to lotustherapy.ca, narcissists ignoring you can stem from a deep seated fear of losing control or feeling inadequate. They also do it to prove that things and people are insignificant to them. The act of ignoring can also be a projection of the narcissist’s own feelings of emptiness or insignificance. By making others feel unimportant, they temporarily alleviate their own sense of inner void [also from lotustherapy.ca]. The fact is that narcissists have to be superior, and they have to stay on top and in control. When they lose that control, or when something doesn’t go their way, they go back to those narcissistic traits that I’ve spoken about, and one of those is when they choose to ignore people and things. As soon as Sly realized I was not signing consent forms at this time, he knew he lost any control he had over me and Chloe, and it resulted in him ignoring important messages about Chloe’s health among other things.

There’s also the issue of the illness that Chloe had. Almost every time Chloe comes back from Sly’s house for any period of time over 3 days, she has symptoms of an upper respiratory illness or infection. Most times, it is a runny nose and cough that usually goes away on it’s own after a few days. However, there are some times, at least a few times a year, where it turns into an infection. Any observant parent would notice if their child was sick. This last time, Sly took Chloe out on a boat where she went swimming, with their friends. She already had that slight runny nose and cough I mentioned. I picked her up on Wednesday, and (gross warning) her snot was green, she had a congested cough, and she was complaining of right ear pain. Thursday we had a “hurricane day” and I decided it was best to have a Teledoc appointment. The doctor determined it was an upper respiratory infection, and the start of an ear infection. This happens every time she gets ill. She comes back to me sick, and I’m the one who takes care of her and gets her the medications she needs. Is it that hard to be a good parent, and at least let the other parent know what’s going on, and maybe ask “hey when you get Chloe tomorrow, can you make an appointment at the doctor…here’s why…”. Or is it just that he doesn’t notice??? I believe he doesn’t notice.

Then the cheer camp thing at her school… Chloe participates in this every year. I pay the fee, and register her, and it is one thing that she looks forward to and loves. This year, the big event takes place on Sly’s Friday with her. Tomorrow (Friday) is the deadline to register her. That message that I sent to him (above) is asking him if he’s going to let her participate so that I can register her and pay. He knows this event is happening, as he gets the notifications and emails from the school as well. He’s ignoring something and taking away something that Chloe loves.

I’ve written in past posts about the extracurricular activities that Sly will not allow her to participate in. It is simply because it takes away HIS time. He has an agenda, and no one can come in the way of that. That takes me back to something he said before Chloe was born… that he decided he didn’t want to have kids because he knew he’d resent them because he’d no longer be able to do what he wanted, when he wanted.

Again, it’s all about control and manipulation. It’s their way or the highway. A narcissist will stop at nothing to have control over their victims. When they know they cannot control their ex anymore, they use the child(ren) as a pawn to get what they want.

I’ll always advocate for those without a voice. No one hears or listens to those who are victims of narcissistic abuse, especially children. Abuse is still abuse, whether or not you can see it. Control and Manipulation are forms of abuse. Abuse is when someone causes us harm or distress. Unfortunately the non-physical types of abuse cause the most harm.

If you feel like you’ve been a victim of ANY kind of domestic abuse, and you need to reach out to someone, below is the information for the National Domestic Violence Hotline. One thing I cannot stress enough, is just because it is not physical, does not mean it is not abuse.

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