Narcissistic Abuse Survival

Not a question, but a statement of what we lose when we go through a separation of any sort from a narcissist. There are losses in any divorce or ending of a relationship, sure. In those cases, you usually lose money, some friends and family on your ex’s side, time with your kids due to a court order, maybe your family home, credit cards, vehicles, or recreational items. All of these losses you can usually move on pretty quickly from, comparatively.

Today I’m going to write about what I lost… Don’t get me wrong, I am incredibly thankful for what I do have. I have a loving husband and daughter, friends and family, a roof over my head, a good career, and so many other things. I also have my strength and courage, because those are the things I needed most and hung on to during the past few years. I am sure that most of you, at least the subscribers and narcissistic victims, can relate to this post. Also, I am in no way minimalizing the effects of any end to any other relationship. This is just my personal experience.

I’m going to start with the loss of myself. By that I simply mean that I am not the person I once was. I look back, and I remember being this happy-go-lucky person who loved everyone. “No” was a word that was not part of my vocabulary, and I always wanted to help others because it brought a sense of joy to my life. I was always happy, and it took quite a bit to make me angry or upset. But at the same time, I didn’t really stand up for myself, nor did I have a reason to. My self-esteem was in check, and I never really doubted myself. But, after so many years of being emotionally and mentally abused, and being made to stay home and not allowed to socialize, it has a negative affect on someone. After a few years in counselling, and after writing over countless hours, I know I’ll never be that person I once was. But, I am slowly finding a better version of myself.

Then there is the money. In an earlier post I referenced the attorneys and the bust of a hearing. Thousands and thousands were spent on attorney fees and court costs alone. If I was smart, and if I knew better at the time I would have played this quite a bit differently. But, hind sight is 20/20 as they say. There were thousands spent on (mutually agreed upon) extracurricular activities that Sly never paid, and is still not paying. There were medical bills that racked up thousands, which Sly is court ordered to pay 70%, and is still to this day refusing to pay his portion. There were moving expenses, not to mention the money I spent on my mother’s house to move Chloe and I in. There was a new car loan, because I could not take the vehicle I drove as it was in Sly’s name (he made me trade in my vehicle years before to get a vehicle in only his name). Months worth of storage facility fees added up quickly. I’ve taken out loans to pay all of this, and there’s no end in sight. I’m not sure one could ever financially recover completely from this type of divorce. And I am certain that one day, there will be another $4,000 spent as a retainer fee for yet another attorney… and then the court costs, attorney fees, etc.

Time with my daughter is lost, and there are certain things I’ll never be able to experience, and time I’ll never get back. I’ve heard a lot of “well, you should’ve stayed and then you could see her every single day.”. The problem with that is simply that I did not want to raise my daughter in that environment, where there was no love. It was no place to raise a child, and I left Sly at the time where Chloe won’t remember what happened before then, and I’m glad I did. Chloe is my life. She asked me last night if parenting was hard. I asked her why and she said “because my dad said its hard”. I told her what I’m going to say here…. I don’t think parenting is hard. I love watching her grow into her own little person, and I love raising her and teaching her. It is my greatest gift, and my greatest joy. However, I do believe that other people can make parenting hard. In the beginning of all of this, as I have told Sly and everyone else, all I ever wanted was to be able to co-parent and have everyone go to events and gatherings for Chloe. Sly had other intentions…and as everyone jumped on that bandwagon, it will never be amicable if we’re all in the same place. That is something that is unfortunate, and no child should watch their family go through that. It really does only hurt them. I go to every single event or school function, and I’ll always be there. But, I do feel like I’m missing half of Chloe’s life, and I am. It does make that time with her much more special though.

I lost my “home”. Sly and I had two houses we called home… There were countless hours, blood, sweat and tears that I put into both of them. The second house was supposed to be our forever home, and it was perfect. I chose the paint colors, made the window coverings, decorated the house, transformed the landscaping, and made it our home. If I thought it out better, I would have asked for the house in the divorce and for Sly to pay the mortgage. Apparently that is a going thing these days to ask for, and usually the judge grants it. But, again, hindsight is 20/20. I loved that house, and I put a lot of effort into it for my family. I remember the last day as I left… That memory will forever be etched in my mind. I cried, and cried. It had nothing to do with the fact that I was leaving Sly. But, I was losing something that I had built and worked so hard on.

Relationships are lost, probably forever. I know I’ve told you all about certain relationships in the Flying Monkeys post. There has been a lot of people that I have lost in all of this. This is the hardest loss that I’ve experienced. You often question simply “WHY?”. I still question all of it. I mean, how could all of these people just up and leave me? It is like I never existed to any of them. Most have chosen to leave simply because they believe the gossip and rumors, and the lies that Sly has told them. My mother is one who has made the choice to leave behind her only daughter, after losing her son to a motorcycle accident a number of years ago. I have made efforts to reconcile the relationship, but she chooses to ignore them. My nephews and niece that I watched enter this world, and fought so hard for them during the settlement for my brother’s accident, will probably never know who I am or will forget about me once they get older. I love and adore those kids like they’re my own, but it is a hard place to be when their mothers choose to take them out of my life. I’ve also lost the relationships with my uncle, aunt, cousins, and extended family…all of which are only my mother’s side. Then there are my old friends… The friends I reference here are the ones that I grew up with, the neighborhood kids, the people who I grew close to over the years. They are the ones who read social media posts about me and chose to believe the accusations, and they are the ones who chose a side and to stand against me.

The thing is you do go through a grieving process. Even if it will be a good thing in the end because you’re leaving an abusive relationship, you still grieve the loss of it. You grieve the loss of all of your loved ones as it is like a death. It is a death of a relationship that you’ll never get back. Your old life died the day you walked away. You will grieve the loss of everything, including your old life. It will take time, and it will take work. You will question yourself, and you’ll wonder if it would have been better just to have stayed. But, in the end you’ll find yourself, your new self… the better version of anything you could be. And all of those people who chose to walk away from you… they’ll never see the best version of you and that is really their loss. You’ll be stronger, braver and more courageous. THAT is the person you’re supposed to be.

One thing I have learned, and more so recently, is that you cannot dwell on the things or people you’ve lost. Again, you have to grieve those losses, AND grieve the life you once had. There is a process, and you have to get through that process before you can move on. Also, you have to be grateful and learn grace. Going through each day and being grateful for what you do have will open your eyes to what is really important, and where your focus should be.

I am thankful for Chloe, my husband, my “circle”, our home and everything amazing in my life. My “circle” know who they are. They are the people who know me, who have chosen me, and who will stand by my side through hell and back (and vice versa)… and most of them already have. They are also the ones who know the truth. They are my family.