Narcissistic Abuse Survival

As most of you know, I have one daughter, with my ex-narcissistic husband. I have done an exorbitant amount of research and reading about narcissists and how they ‘raise’ and treat their children. I have also witnessed the negative behaviors and words towards my daughter. She is still young, but has been greatly impacted by everything. A lot of what I am about to write comes from the factual accounts of what has been said to or done to my daughter, mixed with some of the research I’ve done over the years.

The first question many people ask is “Does a narcissist love their children?”. Well, then we ask ourselves “Did the narcissist ever love me?”. The truth is, science and research have proven that most people with NPD are not capable of love, the same as they are not capable of empathy. If you truly love someone, you do what’s best for them…NOT what is best for you or your agenda. Yes, love is defined differently by many people. If you’ve been reading this blog, you know I like to give definitions as defined by Dictionary.com or the good ol’ Merriam Webster online dictionary. In this case, love is defined as an intense feeling of deep affection, to enjoy very much, and/or a great interest or pleasure in something. Most of us know what we feel as far as love for someone else, especially our children. Once we have a child, our whole thought of what love is changes.

The other question that gets asked is “Does a narcissist even care?”. My answer to this is a straight forward “absolutely not”. Going back in my story a bit, shortly after I married Sly. He originally told me he wanted to have children, maybe 4 or 6. After we got married, his tune changed. He said “I don’t really want kids. I don’t want to resent them later in life because I didn’t get to do the things I want to do”. I remember that like it was yesterday. How could someone lie so badly just to get someone and then say something so heartless? But, then again, I don’t believe that they have a heart… Narcissists have a grand sense of self-righteousness. Everything they do or say is simply about them. There are no caring or kind acts towards someone else. What they do ONLY benefits them. They do not care about their spouses, their children, friends, family or anyone else.

After the separation, and even after the divorce, most of the words and actions that Sly said or did were towards me… because I reacted. I explained and defended, I got upset, I acted out. That is exactly what a narcissist wants you to do, so they can blame you for your reaction, but not have to take accountability for their actions or words. After years of counseling, I learned to stop doing that. At the same time, I thought many times of Chloe. I knew if he stopped coming after me, he’d use her to get to me. Unfortunately I was right, and it gets worse each time.

First and foremost, one shouldn’t lie to their children (Santa and the tooth fairy are different!). Second, you don’t ever put the child in the middle.

I’ve told you all the story about the extracurricular activities and what Sly did and made impossible for Chloe. He refuses to let her participate in any extracurricular activities because it interferes with his plans, or just because he doesn’t want to make time to take her to a practice or game on a Saturday morning. She still wants to take cheer, but they only offer it on Saturday mornings during the fall. Unfortunately, I cannot just take her every other Saturday…. I’ve checked. She’s losing out on so many things she would love to do, and that she’d be so good at. The other side of this, is the lies that spew from his mouth – to Chloe. He’s stated to her several times, that it’s my choice to not allow her to do these things. So, she’s hearing something completely different from him and then she gets upset, and she’s now having trouble with trusting people and expressing her feelings.

Then there’s the sly remarks or facial expressions. Chloe wanted short hair and bangs before school started, so I took her to a salon and she got exactly what she wanted. It was freaking cute! Sly picks her up, and gives her a look of pure disgust after she said “Dad look at my hair! I have bangs!”. He said “yeah, I see.”, but never once said to her that she was pretty, or her hair looked good. There has to be a comment about everyone or everything, and it is usually negative.

The “one upping” as I like to call it, is another issue that is infuriating. Sly always makes it seem like what they do at their house is just way better than what we do at ours. This is, as you’ve read before, a narcissistic trait. For example: There are times when Chloe comes to my office with me if she’s not in school and it’s my day, or she goes to work with Jake. Sly told her the last time this happened “Mommy’s work is no place for you, and it’s so much more fun at our house because you can swim. You should just tell her you want to spend the day with me.”. He constantly tells her that whatever it is that they are doing, or where they are going is better than what she’d be doing with me. It is quite childish.

A narcissistic parent just doesn’t show up. There have been so many important functions that Chloe has been a part of, and Sly doesn’t show up. Every year Chloe’s school puts on a number of events, such as the Square Dance, Color Run, and award ceremonies. Even after Chloe specifically asks him to go, he has shown up one time. Last year at the award ceremony, Chloe and her class sang a song in front of everyone and she also received several awards, one being for straight A’s all year. This was important to her… and he never showed. There was a time when I was able to keep her in dance and she had her recital, which was important to her. He ever showed. There is always an excuse.

Let’s talk about clothing… or anything else that is similar. This is all a control thing, but infuriating none the less. I know I’ve mentioned the comment that Sly made about me buying a certain size uniform shirt for Chloe, and said her gut was too big and she needed a larger size. He constantly makes comments on how her clothing that I put her in is too small and she needs larger clothing, and proceeds to make his rude comments about her size. But, he literally hoards the clothing I buy for her, and sends her back to me in clothing that is at least one size too small. Over the past year Sly has sent her to school in shoes 2 sizes too small, underwear 2 sizes too small, and bottoms one size too small. There is also the debate on a certain other undergarment that he refuses to let her wear, that she does NEED. I have purchased these for her, for our house and his. I have also purchased shoes and other clothing this is very adequately sized for her. It’s a control thing. If I buy something for her and it goes to Sly’s house, chances are we’ll never see it again. On the other hand, he sends her in clothes two sizes too small and dirty.

Chloe’s behavior after she’s been with Sly is anxious, and it’s like she’s a different kid. Last year and the year before I constantly received messages and notifications from her teachers for her behavior. She was being rude, wasn’t listening, was hitting, and just thinking she could do whatever she wanted. Her school recommended I take her to counseling, and I did. If you’ve been reading up to this point, you know how that went. Last year, she stomped on a school iPad and destroyed it. I tried communicating with Sly, and was always met with silence. He never replied, and when he did he’d tell me he took her tablet away. There was never any communication, or discussions about any of it. Over the past year, I’ve noticed behavior changes when she comes back to our house from him. She seems overly anxious, doesn’t seem to hear us at all, and is easily agitated. After a day or two with us, she’s much calmer, loving, and actually listens to us. I suspect that is from the lack of attention she receives at his house, but I’m not sure. This is a reason she’s still in counseling. Chloe also gets mad at herself for the smallest of things. She might spill something, or not listen when someone is talking to her, or miss an answer on her school work. After that, she’ll get angry and say “I’m the worst daughter!”, or “you should just get rid of me!”. It’s awful, and I don’t know where she is picking up these things from. Of course, we spend half of our time with her talking to her and making sure she knows how important she is.

Sly misses taking her to doctor or dentist appointments, then reschedules them, and neglects taking her again. He neglects giving her medication she needs, but gives her melatonin every night she’s with him. There were times when he mixed her antibiotics in a large glass of milk, and Chloe didn’t drink the milk, therefore not getting the much needed medicine in her system. He refused to administer her nebulizer treatments when she had a severe upper respiratory infection. I haven’t figured out yet what it is at his house, but there is something there that seems to irritate her respiratory tract. Usually when I pick her up after she’s been there, her nose is runny and she’s hoarse. I do know that he also gives her Sudafed… for what I am not sure.

Sly also tells her things that aren’t true… basically lies to her about things to the point where she’s requested to read our messages because she doesn’t believe what I am telling her. For example, this year is Sly’s Thanksgiving with Chloe. He asked to switch a day so he could have her for over a week straight so they could go see his family in a different state. I gave it some time to think it over, and I wanted to talk to Chloe about it to see what her thoughts were on it. I told Sly of what I was doing. Instead of waiting, he got his knickers in a knot I guess, and told Chloe that I wasn’t letting them go because I wouldn’t switch time. Well, I never gave anyone an answer. No matter my decision, he could still travel with her for Thanksgiving. They can do whatever they want on his time, it has nothing to do with me. He’s also done the same sort of thing when it came to his sister’s wedding a few years ago, and has done it for vacations as well.

Oh, and let’s talk a minute on the “fakeness”. You know those people that will talk to a baby or small child in that high pitched voice with a fake smile or their face, and sometimes make a fake laugh? Yeah, that’s what Sly does when he’s with Chloe. If she shows him something, or tells him something he’ll say “oh, yeah? That’s so cool!” in the absolute fakest voice. I’m not sure what provokes this, or why he does it.

All of this is just a snip it into everything that Sly does to use Chloe. And yes, that’s what it is. Narcissists use their children to suit their own agenda. It doesn’t matter what is best for Chloe… Sly will do what he wants, when he wants. I know that one day she’ll see through all of this, and in some ways she already is. But, call it what you want, I don’t lie to her about any of this, and I don’t sugar coat it. She is old enough to read and understand certain things and I don’t hide it from her.

What I do is teach her that she has a voice, and she in entitled to her thoughts, feelings and opinions. I am also teaching her that she is brave, fierce, courageous and that she will move mountains.