Narcissistic Abuse Survival

According to the definition, trauma is a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. It can also be some type of physical injury. I am certain that most people, young and old, have experienced some sort of trauma in their life. A death of a loved one, an accident, physical abuse, witnessing a natural disaster, witnessing war or mass casualties, medical injury, neglect, or being a victim of a hostile crime are all examples of trauma. Before we go on to talk about what kind of trauma comes from a relationship with a narcissist, we must first understand what trauma is and what it does to a person, mentally and physically.

There are three types of trauma; acute, chronic and complex. Acute trauma is caused by a single event, such as a car accident for example. Chronic trauma is abuse or domestic violence that happens repeatedly, for long periods of time. The third type of trauma is complex trauma, which is when someone is exposed to multiple and different types of traumatic events.

Trauma from an event, or repeated events, can make you feel a number of negative things such as being frightened, threatened, humiliated, rejected, abandoned, invalidated, unsafe, unsupported, trapped, ashamed and powerless. I feel that there is truth in a statement I make on a regular basis; if you’re told something so many times, you’ll start to believe it.

People are affected by trauma, usually mentally, but physically as well. Stress and anxiety are two things that are linked to trauma. Once we have gone through a trauma, our bodies react in certain ways to protect us, and in turn they release cortisol and adrenaline. When our minds and bodies tell us we are in danger, the effects are sometimes known as Freeze, Flop, Fight, Flight and Fawn. Most of us, including me, usually only refer to the fight or flight. I’m either going to run, or fight my way through the event, as that’s how I’ve been conditioned. The Freeze is kind of like when you’re home alone and you hear something outside, and you’re frozen with fear. Flop is an odd one, but it is basically doing what is demanded of you because you’re in fear and unable to protest. The last one is Fawn, which like it sounds, is trying to please the person who is harming you. The stress and symptoms of trauma can last for a long time, and can affect how you think, feel and act.

After a trauma, or traumatic experience, we can have lasting effects from it. Some of these include flashbacks, panic attacks, dissociation, hyperarousal, sleep problems, low self-esteem, grief, self-harm, suicidal feelings, and alcohol or substance abuse. I like to call these the lasting enemies…because they don’t just go away, and most you have no control over. This is the serious stuff. I know I have experienced most of these, and it is not fun, and one is not worse than the other. The flashbacks are just as it sounds, just reliving the moment or experience so vividly that it feels like you’re right back in the middle of it. If you have never experienced a panic attack, your first time will be very frightening. It is essentially an exaggeration of your bodies response to the stress or danger. If you have a thought that causes your body to relive an experience, your body will go into fight or flight mode and sometimes will set off a panic attack. Dissociation is a real thing, but it feels like you’re not a part of your surroundings…you kind of space out, stare blankly, you feel numb, and very detached from your own body. Dissociation feels like you are alone, and sometimes you have to forcefully talk yourself out of it. Hyperarousal I have referred to as overly stimulated, because you’re all over the place, on edge and unable to sit and relax. Sleep problems come with any sort of stress or trauma, so that’s a given. Low self-esteem… we all know what it is. Trauma affects how we see and think of ourselves. Grief is caused by a loss…whether it be something we didn’t want to lose, or something that we lose that is a part of our existence, no matter how good or bad it was. Self-harm is a coping mechanism that makes us believe that we should be harming ourselves, or we should harm the part of ourselves that were previously attacked or injured (external or internally). Having suicidal thoughts and feelings is a huge one, and it has hit me like a truck in the past. Traumas can affect you so badly that you just can’t take it anymore, and you at least wonder or think about what it would be like to leave this world. Alcohol or substance abuse is the only thing on this list that didn’t grab a hold of me. I know others that went down that rabbit hole, and thankfully they’ve recovered. But, at the time it can be easy to look to a substance to try and numb your thoughts or body for a while.

Trauma can also cause physical health problems, including but not limited to long-term and chronic illnesses. We already know that stress and anxiety can cause a whole host of problems inside of our bodies. We get sick more often, we don’t exercise, we over or under eat, and we have headaches, to name a few. It makes it hard to enjoy life, and sometimes you forget who you are. Day to day tasks and responsibilities can be something that you struggle with such as taking care of yourself, making it to work every day, trusting other people, maintaining relationships, decision making, coping with change, and simply enjoying life and your leisure time.

With all of the effects of trauma, and what is happening inside of you after a traumatic event, it is especially important to distinguish these thoughts and feelings and understand that they are normal, common reactions. Therapy is a great help, and I do suggest finding the right therapist for you.

Does trauma cause mental health problems? It sure can. We’ve already mentioned anxiety, but it can also be depression, post traumatic stress disorder or PTSD, or complex post traumatic stress disorder or CPTSD. These are all very real and can sometimes be debilitating.

We’ve already discussed what anxiety is, and what it can feel like, and that panic attacks are associated with it. For me, over the years, I have experienced pretty much every symptom of anxiety at one point or another. I have, however, gotten really good at hiding it and there are a very select few people who can see through that act. But, if you’re new to anxiety, it can feel like you’re losing control of everything around you, or it can feel like you can’t breathe and sometimes it can mimic a heart attack. Depression is something that we’re all pretty familiar with I think. Throughout life we all have those depressive days where we can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Traumatic experiences can make us believe that we are not good enough, that we shouldn’t be here – and yes, that is an understatement. I have been there, and it is a very dark place, to the point that I’ve had those close to me threaten to have a, we’ll call it, medical intervention.

PTSD was first recognized in war veterans, which is why most of us associate it with the military and war. However, it doesn’t just apply to war heroes. {I’m going to stop for a minute and make this note – this post is in no way shape or form disrespecting our veterans or the severity of their traumas. It is simply about trauma, and what PTSD is.} PTSD can be experienced after a traumatic event, and is usually diagnosed by a medical professional. One with PTSD can exhibit symptoms such as the reliving of the traumatic event like flashbacks or nightmares. PTSD can also be symptoms such as being on edge, easily angered, irritable or aggressive behavior, easily startled, anxious, feeling emotionally numb, body or physical detachment, self destructiveness, and reckless behavior. You stop trusting people, and you feel like no one understands you. There can be overwhelming feelings of sadness, anger, guilt and shame. You question why the traumatic experience happened, and sometimes you blame yourself.

CPTSD is similar to PTSD, with some extra symptoms. Along with all of those symptoms listed above, one diagnosed with CPTSD can also experience difficulty controlling their emotions, feeling angry at everything and everyone, hopeless, like they’re damaged or worthless and completely different than everyone else, like no one can understand what happened to them, and they avoid friendships or relationships. Those with CPTSD often experience those dissociative symptoms like depersonalization, and also physical symptoms such as headaches, dizziness and stomach aches. Suicidal thoughts and feelings happen often. The emotional flashbacks that one with CPTSD can experience are intense, and those exact same emotions can arise that were there when the trauma was happening. CPTSD is usually caused by traumatic experiences that happen repeatedly, such as ongoing domestic violence or abuse, being a prisoner of war, or being harmed by someone you trusted.

Truth time – I was diagnosed with CPTSD, and I will personally sit here and tell you that it is no joke. All of these things do happen, and I have no idea when it will go away, if it ever will fully go away. For any one of you suffering in these ways, I urge to you seek out the help of a good therapist, counselor, or someone. When I first left Sly, I had NO IDEA what had happened to me. None. I had changed, I was no longer the person I used to be… I knew that. But, I did meet Jake and everything was perfect. And then the trauma responses started, and it took me quite a while to figure out what was going on. Now, I have counseling every other week, and I do take CBD twice a day. Those two things have been a savior.

I know this was a long post… but I want those that have truly been through a relationship with a narcissist to understand that they did go through a traumatic experience, and they are not alone. Understanding what trauma is helps us to understand what is going on with us, internally and externally. I also don’t find it amusing when someone throws things and terms around without understanding them (but that’s another post).