Narcissistic Abuse Survival

The answer to this question… is simply no.

Everything continued the same as it was before. Now that the divorce was final, it didn’t change a thing.

Sly still constantly argued about what was “best” for Chloe, and how to make sure he told me how horrible of a mother I was. Then the bad mouthing of me in front of Chloe began. The lies continued. He’d agree to something in writing and then say he didn’t say it, or that’s not what he meant.

There was always a way that Sly would bend the words of what the divorce decree/parenting plan stated. For ease of reading purposes, we’re going to call the marital settlement agreement/divorce decree/parenting plan the Agreement. The Agreement was never followed by him, and to be honest, there was nothing that I could do aside from document it. Everyone told me to document everything, print records and save all of it. I did exactly this.

We had a hearing in September of 2021. Going into this hearing, I felt hopeful but incredibly intimidated at the same time. My anxiety was through the roof. Prior to this, my original attorney left family law and he referred me to another attorney, and for certain reasons I will not name him or the firm.

I spent months gathering information and printing things, and spent thousands in attorney fees. I was broke, and I was putting all of these fees and costs on credit cards or taking out loans. There was nothing else I could do. All of the information, documents, receipts, text and email logs, and agreements in writing were all sent to my attorney. I am a VERY detail oriented and organized person, and everything that I submitted was in chronological order and categorized.

The first thing was the IRA. Sly had an IRA that had approximately $70,000 in it. Keep in mind that the entire time that I knew him, I never once saw a statement or even knew how much was in this account. Part of the Agreement was for me to get half of what was in this account rolled over to my 401K. He also had another retirement account with the new company that he started with a couple of years prior. The Agreement stated that once the IRA was completed, then I would sign over a Quit Claim Deed to the house to relinquish my interest. I got in touch with his tax advisor and filled out all of the appropriate paperwork, and low and behold it came back because it was no longer with the firm that he originally disclosed. So, after inquiring about it, Sly stated to me in writing that he transferred the entire amount over to another firm that held his “other funds” (not the 401K) before mediation. Now I am thinking that yeah, he already had an account out there with other funds in it that I knew nothing about. He let it slip, and then tried to cover it. None of it matched up with his financial affidavit, that was part of the divorce. My attorney saved all of this information, but I was at the point I wanted it all to be over. Sly and his attorney both were on my case to record the deed so Sly could do a refinance on the house. But, no one wanted to address this missing money, or how his portion of the IRA transfer was going to happen. Eventually I completed the paperwork for the ‘correct’ IRA, and Sly’s financial advisor gave me incorrect tax information so I ended up getting taxed on it as if I were to have taken a full withdraw. So, that was fun….

The counseling that I had Chloe in was also part of the hearing. I put her in counseling, and it did help her. I saved receipts, and uploaded them per the Agreement. Below is a snip-it of the Agreement. Remember this….

Next of course we have the extracurricular activities. This was one of the biggest arguments that went on for months. I wrote about this earlier on, but here is the snip-it of the Agreement.

Early on I also requested a Parent Coordinator because I was beyond over the back and forth, back and forth and back and forth with Sly. This idea only works if both parents agree. Guess who didn’t agree…

So, getting on with the Hearing… below is text from a social media I posted the day after the Hearing. It was probably the most humiliating experience of my life. This was posted on September 10, 2021, and I put the text in bold for ease of reading. Certain details have been changed to protect the sensitivity of the case and/or people.

“Yesterday was for sure an interesting day and I most certainly could take it as a learning experience. These feelings I have of anger, humiliation, embarrassment, and sadness will linger for a while. There are a select few of you who understand what happened yesterday in the hearing in (city where courthouse was). It was honestly nothing that I expected, but everything that has happened over the past two years has been the farthest thing from “expected”.

There are a lot of people who throw the term “narcissist” around (and those tend to be the same as those who throw “anxiety” around loosely, but that’s a different post). These people are extremely hard to diagnose because of their uncanny ability to fool even the most trained and experienced psychologist. And anyone who has really and truly had any type of a relationship with a narcissist knows exactly what I’m talking about. Co-parenting with one is without a doubt the most difficult thing I have ever had to endure.

There are reasons that I feel like I have to tell the world my story, and make them understand, but it doesn’t matter because most people don’t care. The same as the marital settlement agreement and child custody paperwork, that happens to be filed in the legal court system, is nothing but a piece of paper and holds absolutely no ground in the court of law.

The hearing yesterday was a long-awaited day… I’d waited for almost a year. My prior attorney (who left family law at the beginning of this year) filed the motion for several items of contempt and enforcement, and non-payment. After several thousands spent to both attorney firms, and countless requests for extensions from opposing counsel, we finally got the hearing date set. Going in yesterday, I was somewhat confident because we had a ton of evidence. After being in there for ten minutes, I knew it was a lost cause and he wins yet again. I learned that your attorney and their experience and attitude is what matters the most. His attorney has 20 plus years’ experience and has to be the world’s biggest witch with a capital B. I’ve never in my life been spoken to like that. But she is good. Mine on the other hand, that I got “stuck” with (I didn’t choose him) just passed the bar in November of 2020, and he certainly didn’t have it together yesterday.

If there’s anyone out there that has had to battle with their ex in court over stupid things like the payment of extracurricular activities or medical bills, you might understand this, and you might understand how many loopholes there really are in these documents.

According to the courts, even though the parenting agreement says that the father shall pay 70% of ALL medical expenses and the mother shall pay 30%, if it is not an emergency this does NOT count. If it is not an emergency, both parents must agree to have the child treated. If one parent denies treatment, they simply don’t have to pay if the other parent chooses to have them treated. This is something that is apparently supposed to be assumed, as it is NOT written this way. But the judge stated this to me yesterday. So, whether it is counseling, or any other non-emergency medical visit and I so choose to take her, I don’t get reimbursed.

Then there is the extra-curricular activities. This one on the list got me, because my attorney certainly did not do his job argument wise. So, even though the father agrees in writing to allow his child to participate in dance lessons and pay his portion, he can rescind that at any point in time. For example, I signed Chloe up for dance classes ONLY after her father said that he would take her and pay the 50%… in writing. After the first week, he decided he just wasn’t going to take her. In the parenting agreement it states both parents shall make every effort to have their child participate, and to pay for any mutually agreed upon extra-curricular activities at 50%. So, after he rescinded his agreement, I was forced place Chloe in private weekly lessons at $75 each to cover the time she was missing in class while on his time. And she had to miss her recital and was heartbroken because it was on his time and he refused to have her participate. Even though we provided proof yesterday, the judge dismissed this as well, because there was a point where he said he was no longer taking her, even though it was verbal and not written.

Then there was the filing for contempt as he did not provide itinerary in December 0f 2020 when he travelled out of state. It specifically states that the parent who is travelling out of the state or country must provide a detailed itinerary of addresses, phone numbers and plans at least fifteen days prior to departure. He didn’t tell me one single thing. So, according to the judge and his attorney, due to the fact that I knew the state where he was travelling to, and I had traveled to Ohio in the past for the holidays, I should know where he was going, so this got thrown out as well. So, even in this case, the specifics of the agreement mean absolutely nothing.

There were a few other things, but you get the gist…

I learned some very important lessons yesterday with the first being that you cannot beat a narcissist in the courtroom. You will always lose. I will also never understand how he works, but I know that he does this because he finds joy in ruining other people. I know that I’ve lost close to $25,000 in attorney fees and court costs and I’ll never get that back, along with the close to $3000 I’ve spent on medical bills and dance fees that I’ll never see again. For the next five years I’ll be paying off these loans. But I’ve learned it does not matter how much you spend on attorneys or the courts, and it really doesn’t matter who your attorney is, because at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. Even after yesterday, he’s already playing games and sending messages, and being “wishy washy”.

At this point the only thing I can do is attempt to find a way to stay one step ahead of him, and to learn how to deal with this for the next 13 years. Part of me wants to join or start a support group with victims of narcissistic abuse… but where do you go? It is extremely hard to find any psychologist who specializes in this sort of thing to even seek out their help. I don’t know how his brain works, and I’m not sure I want to. But I know I’m at the point where something needs to change. I’m tired of being on edge, angry and anxious all the time over this.

Over the past two years, the amount of lies that have spewed out of his mouth is unbelievable. I know a few of you know the entire story, and some of you almost fell for his lies, and thankfully you didn’t get mixed up in it. But he’s convinced a lot of people that I am the bad guy, and that I’m the one who did all of the things that in reality he did to me. Even though there is no proof, when he told these lies I got upset and tried to defend myself. That is the reason they believed him, because I got upset and tried to tell them the truth, when all the years before I kept my mouth shut. I walked away from all of them. They now all think that I’ve left the family, and that I am the one dragging their names through the mud. Social media posts prove otherwise. So, no, I don’t choose to be around my blood relatives anymore, or some of those who I used to call family. When you turn your back on me, and spread lies, and bash me on social media because of the lies you’re believing, I have no place for you anymore. Yes, this killed me inside for a long time, and it hurts to have those you love turn their backs on your in a heartbeat. It’s all drama. It’s all lies. I’ve left a lot behind… a lot.

I am not the same person I used to be, and I’m okay with that. I’ve been to hell and back, and I’m proud of everything I’ve come through and survived. I know I still have a long way to go. Honestly, I am not sure I would be where I am if it weren’t for quite a few of you… you know who you are. I know some of you remember this sweet, innocent girl that was always smiling and laughing. Now I feel like I’m this angry, anxious person half the time. But I’m still a work in progress… as I’m sure we all are at times.

I’m not sitting here typing this to play the woe is me card. Truth be told, I’m sitting her on my lunch break, and I felt the need to type this. Whether you care to read it, react, or even comment is up to you. Maybe someone else out there will read this and realize they’re not alone if they’re dealing with the same $h!t. I know of one person on my friends’ list (you know who you are) that knows all to well what this feels like. I do find some comfort (for lack of a better term) talking to her, venting, and sharing stories. Together, I feel like we’re stronger, even if this is the only bond we share… and I love her as my friend and I’m glad we found each other after so many years.

I know I have issues with talking to much and telling everyone my business… but it’s my Facebook, and if you don’t want to read it that’s fine. But, for anyone who cares to have a glimpse into what this is like, and why I post some of the stuff I do, this is why. I used to want to be a blogger…. Maybe I should… But, I’m no techy person and I haven’t the foggiest of idea how to start.”

Hind sight is 20/20. THAT is one reason I made this blog… because I can look back and see things now. So many of you are just starting out on your own and are very much like I was. Funny how I have always said since day one of all of this that I should write a book, or start a blog. I finally did a few short months ago. My hope, and main purpose, for this blog is that I reach those of you who have gone through this, or are going through it. You are NOT alone. You are brave and courageous… YOU are enough.

And this Hearing is the #1 reason I refer to the Agreement as a piece of paper. That is all that it is, and it will not hold up in court. The ONLY thing that matters in the courtroom is who your attorney is and who the judge is. This is why I will always suggest that you do everything in your power to have consultations with as many attorneys as you can, check legal websites for their legitimacy, don’t choose one off of a referral, and do everything you can to pay the best attorney you can find.

This post, and the past posts were all about the beginning story. I put in the basic details, not every word. But now that this non-techy person figured out how to post pictures and other things… we’re going to be posting some screenshots and snip-its. Someone asked me the other day if I cared if Sly or any of his flying monkeys see this or my Facebook or Instagram that are all public and linked together. Nope. Exposing the Narcissist is one thing I want so badly to do… but that isn’t why I don’t care. I’ve lived WAY too long under a rock, and I’ve lost way too much to be scared of what he may do.

Next, we’ll delve into the juicy topics, one at a time. I’ll make sure I post some things that have been said. It’ll get more exciting – I promise!