Narcissistic Abuse Survival

Everything was an argument. I spent most of my days trying to explain things to him, and why he was wrong or hurtful. The hits from him just kept coming. Looking back on all of the messages, it does bring back a bit of the anxiety, anger and helplessness that I felt years ago. Narcissists beat you down, until there is nothing left for you to do except surrender and wave your little white flag.

The main goal in a divorce where there are children, is to have a good co-parenting agreement. When you can’t come to an agreement, then you refer to the parenting guide that is part of the divorce decree. This is how you and I, and most other people think. However, a narcissist’s mind words VERY differently. They are never interested in doing anything with you, such as co-parenting, nor are they interested in doing what is best for their child(ren).

If you are going through a divorce with a narcissist, or any other toxic person, my suggestion is to get yourself the BEST attorney and somehow find the funds to pay them. Also, before you sign anything, take it home, read it and read it ten more times. Read between the lines and think of every possible scenario, and request revisions as you see fit. Do not back down and do not give in. This paragraph is important for later in this story, specifically the hearing that would be set for later on…and why I refer to the marital settlement agreement simply as a piece of paper and nothing more. If you know, you know.

There were arguments about literally everything, every single day.

During COVID Chloe’s school shut down, just like many across the country. There could never be a set agreement, and Sly could never remember what he said or what he agreed to. He would take Chloe to my mother’s house at 7:30AM in the morning, and not tell anyone. However, when these times arose and I questioned him, he’d say “you’re crazy, I already told you this!”. I know that he didn’t, and just because I wanted to double check, I went back and looked at all communications and nothing was there. I’m not sure if it was that he was drinking so much that he couldn’t remember, or that he was trying to make me think I was losing my mind. It was most likely a little of both, which is characteristic of a narcissist.

Extracurricular activities were agreed upon, in writing. Just for grins and giggles, I will let you know that the parenting agreement states that “The parties agree to equally divide the cost of all mutually agreed upon extracurricular activities. The party incurring said expense shall provide a receipt invoice to the other party within 30 days of receipt of same…”, also “Further the parties agree that neither parent shall unreasonably withhold their consent”. Sly would try and make me buy her two sets of dance attire, and then state he didn’t agree to pay for it. He said several times “I agreed to take her sometimes, but I did not agree to pay for anything”, and “you’ll need to buy her a separate set of dance clothes, or drop off yours here every Friday night for Saturday morning”. This went on for weeks. However, in the end Sly would refuse to take Chloe to dance, and then refuse to pay his half. This has caused more heartache thus far for Chloe than anything. Due to his refusal, she cannot participate in cheerleading or most other sports, and it has caused her to quit dance permanently. There is a control that a narcissist must have over his spouse or child(ren). Sly only allows what he wants, such as her participating in piano lessons when her fingers are too tiny and it isn’t something she wants to do. Or, the fact that he will never allow her to participate in anything else. He has told Chloe that she needed to “trash dance because it’s not good for her” and “dance makes a girl look bad”. However, the next June when she was able to finish out her dance class, because I took her, Sly and his new girlfriend did come to her recital. This is where he is all for “show” and tries to prove himself a good, caring parent. This paragraph is a VERY short summary of the weeks and weeks we went back and forth about her and dance. What it comes down to, is if she wants to do something, it has to be on my time and I have to pay for it. We also have to keep it from Sly, so he can’t say anything negative to her, or belittle her or the activity.

After mediation, we were required to use a parenting app. Let me rephrase that… The agreement stated we were to have it and pay for it. However, it also stated we could communicate through any electronic forms, such as phone, text, email, etc. Well, this opened a whole new can of worms. One thing a narcissist does is try to confuse you, and again they need to have the control. Sending one message via text, not answering an email, then sending another response for something else in the parenting app. It became quite ridiculous to the point that later on that year, guided by advice from my attorney, I notified Sly that I would be blocking him from ALL forms of communication aside from the parenting app. We would also still keep a video chat app, only to speak to Chloe. He has since tried to send texts, which was something he used in the hearing at a late date as his proof of something in writing.

We know that I was living with my mother. In March of 2020 there was all of a sudden a disturbance in the universe (which I’d understand in the coming months), and she came at me one day when I got home. I won’t go over all of the details, but clearly something had gotten to her for her to act that way towards me. We’d had a good relationship, always had. While I lived there, I purchased groceries, made all the meals, cleaned, and helped with anything around the house, and offered on several occasions to help pay the electric and cable bills, or anything else. This particular day, she screamed at me that she had had enough of my lies, and that I wasn’t contributing, but I was taking advantage of her. She told me that I was not welcome in her house as her daughter anymore. It was shortly thereafter that I had to move myself, Chloe and everything I owned to Jake’s. I had no choice, unless I quickly found an apartment or somewhere to rent. Jake’s was the obvious choice.

Then there were arguments about school, what school Chloe would go to and why. Sly is (not a practicing) Catholic, and I am not. He made the choice on his own to sign her up for Catholic school, and I wasn’t made aware until a week later. It was under written agreement from both of us, that Chloe continue to go to school where she already was, which is a private Christian school. Sly told me that I agreed to have her go to Catholic school when I married him. Well, he’s not entirely wrong about that. But, it breaks all bonds and “agreements” when you divorce a Catholic. While on the subject, I agreed, in writing to raise Chloe in the Catholic church as long as she was able to choose her own path and make educated and informed decisions on her own religious choices. The parenting agreement, however does state that she go to school in my zip code. Well, after the disturbance in the force with my mother, I had moved, about 24 miles (as the crow flies) West of the town I grew up in and Sly lived. So, I could have easily enrolled her in public school where I live, and she lives half time. This is all still an issue today….

Chloe started to have behavior problems in school, and was acting out at home too. It got so bad that her preschool teacher recommended to me on several occasions that I reach out to a good child therapist, which I did. Sly didn’t approve of it, but then again he has never approved of anything I’ve ever done, especially in the best interest of Chloe. Therapy helped her, but I did have to stop taking her, and that will come up later on when I blog about “The Hearing”.

Over the summer that year I briefly spoke to my mother off an on. Her birthday was in the first week of August, and I thought it would be a nice gesture to send her flowers and a card, and then Chloe and I called her later that day to wish her a happy birthday. Mother sounded appreciative, and we spoke for a few minutes. She did watch Chloe on occasion, so we’d see each other every once in a while. I had moved most of my belongings from her house, but some still remained and I discussed with her on how to get them on several occasions, and we’ll get to that later in the next post.

Mid-August rolls around, and things were going okay, or as okay as they could be. When you’re dealing with a narcissist to this degree, in the beginning you don’t really understand the depths of the agony you’ll face. One thing happens, and you don’t anticipate anything being worse than one thing or event. And then it happens…

Jake and I were out with friends on a boat one Saturday in August. It was a great day. Sly had Chloe as it was his agreed upon weekend. Late Saturday night, as Jake slept, I was scrolling along on Facebook.

I will stop here to let you all in on some pertinent info… Most of our family gatherings recently happened with my mother’s side of the family. They ALL knew my story about Sly, the divorce and everything in between. Every single one of them had horrible things to say about Sly, and that they would always have my back. We were always a close knit bunch, spending holidays together, having a good time. Two of my cousins told me, once on Christmas Eve, and the other on I want to say Easter, that they never liked Sly and Jake was such a great guy and they were glad that I was finally free and happy.

Well, you can imagine my disbelief and hurt when I saw posts on Facebook that Sly was with MY family. They were at my uncle’s house along with my mother, and the rest of my family. There was drinking and laughing and singing to karaoke. Everyone was half drunk, laughing and singing together. It was as if I never existed at all to them. All of those people who once had my back, and hated Sly… were hanging out with him and keeping it from me. This is when I realized what was happening. I reached out and spoke to one of my cousins the next day and asked what the hell was going on. He said to me that he thought it was odd that Sly was there, because he’s not part of the family, but he couldn’t say anything because it wasn’t his house. Come to find out, they were all together on Memorial Day and Father’s day as well, plus a couple of weekends in there for “family day”. After this is when I broke all ties to my family. I was hurt. I was defeated. I was alone.

It all explains why mother said “no” to going to the beach on a family vacation with us, or why she said “no” when we invited her out for dinner on Father’s Day after Jake and I met her at the cemetery to visit those we’d lost who were fathers, such as my dad, brother and grandfather.

Later on someone I am still close to asked my mother about these gatherings, and why they happened. She simply said “she’s not my daughter anymore, she left her family and Sly comes around and talks to us. He brings my granddaughter to see me. She would have never come over even if she was invited”.

Let’s take a minute to talk about Flying Monkeys. I am sure there are those of you who are thinking of that scene in the Wizard of Oz… and let me tell you, that is exactly what it is like. Narcissists find and hold close those people that you are the closest to, and that they know they can easily get on their side. They are good actors, and good with their words and can honestly convince anyone of anything.

This was a point in those first few years that was incredibly hard for me to get past. I had lost not only my mother who I was incredibly close to for my entire existence, but I had also lost family that I adored.

The end of August was the final divorce hearing. August 31, 2020. Again, after this I so naively believed this was the end, and that he couldn’t hurt me anymore. It was a quick 15 minute virtual hearing, and the judge signed the mediated agreement, and it was over.

The next part of my story is just going to be time time frame from this hearing, until the next BIG hearing that almost destroyed me. After than I plan on publishing many posts about certain things that I’d like to hear from all of you in the comments… such as trauma bonding, flying monkeys, characteristics of a narcissist, etc.