Narcissistic Abuse Survival

I’m going to try and make this the last post on the basic story line… but that will all depend on distractions as it is Monday.

The start of 2015 was the same as all of the years past. In the early months of that year we (by we, I mean I) started planning a trip out west. I came across a touring company online, and to make a long story short we picked a twelve day tour that would take us all over out west. We saw and visited each state on the left of the map aside from Washington and Oregon. It was an interesting trip, but that is another story all together. There was one night in California that would change my entire life, and I wouldn’t find out for about another month. It was purely by accident, at least on his part.

It was in the first few days of August and I was not feeling “normal”, and there was a little test that I took that had two cute little pink lines on it. I took another, and another. I was home by myself that morning, and joy was not my first reaction. Fear came over me and I had no idea how this man I married was going to react.

For years after we got married, and after all of the (empty) promises that were made to me, it was stated to my face several times that he didn’t want children. He didn’t want to resent them for taking away his life and things he wanted to do. Yes, he said this, on several occasions.

I went to work that day and told my best friend. She offered advice on how to tell him. Anxiety filled my body that day.

When I arrived home from work he was sitting out back on the lanai drinking whatever kind of whiskey was on the menu that week. I had one of the tests in my pocket as I sat down, and I said I needed to tell him something. As I placed the test in front of him, he looked at it, looked back at his phone, said “well, congratulations to you”, downed the rest of his whiskey and didn’t say another word much less look at me. Truth be told, that was a better reaction than what I expected.

As soon as I found out, I had a feeling it would be a girl. I just knew it in my soul. He blatantly said to me “it better be a boy”, “I can’t teach a girl how to do anything”. I remember the day we went in for that ultrasound, and when we found out. He was standing to my left, in the corner. The ultrasound tech asked to make sure we wanted to know… As soon as she said “it’s a girl!” Sly rolled his eyes, said you’ve got to be kidding, and walked out of the room. And that went about as expected.

There were complications throughout the entire 28 weeks until our little girl was born. The next month or so would be, I’d say the best few months that I’d ever had with Sly. It was one of his “good moments”. I’ll get into that later. But, also keep in mind we had several family members and friends that were present a majority of the time, so he had to be on his best behavior. I was the only one who could see his other side.

Once he went back to work in two weeks after she was born, everything was back to normal aside from the fact that I was still home and had a newborn that I was trying to keep alive.

Everything after this point went in circles, for years. We both worked full time jobs, his requiring him to travel sometimes up to seven days or more. It was my responsibility to take care of a baby, inside and outside the house, grocery shopping, home repairs, meals, cleaning, the lawn, etc. On several occasions I asked why it was that I was expected to do everything, while he sits on the recliner drinking watching <insert seasonal sport here>. It was at least insinuated, if not said that he made the money and that I could not live without him, and that I needed him so I just needed to do my part, my share. There were reasons that came up several times for me to question his faithfulness to me, whether it was a credit card bill, certain background noise on the other end of the phone, the time I came home from the grocery store and there was a friend’s daughter at my house, or the “acceptable times” I was allowed to call him. Of course, it was not my business, and I needed to trust him. All I ever remembering him doing was sitting in that recliner, watching TV and drinking.

On occasions we still had Sunday Family day, or there were the holidays, where I’d plan food, and invite everyone over. It is still so amazing to me, how someone can so suddenly turn into a social butterfly that everyone loves and flocks to.

Finally I got sick of talking to a wall, not being listened to, being told I was crazy or mental, and generally being taken for granted and not cared for.

I brought this up several times to my mother and his mother. All of those times I was so upset, it fell on deaf ears. Every single time I would (legitimately) get upset, he would sit there in silence. Of course that angers me more, and I’d yell. After a certain point, you can look like a crazy person. This is what narcissists do. This is what they want you to do. They want to upset you so much that you get upset, and react. That reaction is their “proof” that you are the crazy person. I fought so hard for myself, but all I did was lose myself entirely.

In the beginning of 2019 I started thinking that there had to be more. I dreamed of having a good relationship where the other person actually cared about me. The realization was setting in that this was not a good place to be. We slept in separate rooms, barely spoke unless it had to do with our daughter. Arguments still ensued, mainly about him not doing anything, or about him cheating. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was sad, and I was lonely.

During that summer I started doing some research on divorce, and trying to find the means in which I would divorce him and leave. I knew it was a bad situation, but I knew that staying there just for my daughter was not the answer. I spoke to attorneys, after I received some recommendations.

I still tried to plan activities for my daughter such as the beach trip, Halloween, and fall festivals. Of course he wasn’t present for any of them, or even if he was physically there he made it a point to walk way ahead of us. Later on he said to his family he needed to stay away from me because I was seeing someone else… And this is when the accusations began. One thing I have learned is that when someone is accusing you, without rightful reason, it is usually because they are guilty of the act.

On November 8, 2019 I filed for divorce. Yes, we still lived under the same roof, but I was working on getting out.

The next few months into years were some of the best and absolute worst of my life. I had no idea the mental aguish I was about to endure.

I think I’ve summed up how life in general was with Sly. Truth be told, I didn’t think it was that bad until the end. However, I had no idea what he was putting me through, mentally and emotionally. These last few posts were to give you a general idea of what life with a narcissist is like. If you stay, obey and do what they want you do to, life will be bearable.

As a side note, I did leave later that month and stayed with my mother. My daughter went back and forth between myself and Sly. He made up some sort of agreement (verbal) where he said we should not date anyone for one year, and if we did our daughter would not know of the other person for up to two years. Hmmm… okay. I’ll have you remember this for later.

I was happier, and things were going okay. For years, I was alone. Sure I was married (on paper), but I was alone and by myself for many years. We were literally roommates. And I’m not sure why I’m sitting here justifying my choices… But I signed up for a dating app on Thanksgiving night. A few people reached out… and then I started talking to a most wonderful man who I would end up marrying later a couple years later.