Narcissistic Abuse Survival

The truth of the matter is, that once a narcissist cannot get to you anymore, they will use any means possible to change that. This includes their children. The child(ren) end up feeling torn in different directions, while trying to do everything to make each parent happy. In cases like these, the child(ren) need a good therapist who deals with the trauma and abuse from a narcissistic parent. We’re going to discuss this today.

If you’ve been reading my blog up to this point, you already know that I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and CPTSD on top of that due to the relationship and the trauma that I endured while with Sly. I’ve talked about the fact that I’ve experienced almost every symptom of anxiety or depression that is on any list out there. Over the past few months, I’ve seen these signs and symptoms in Chloe. Chloe has been seeing a therapist online once a month. When she says to me “Mom, I don’t think Ms. _____ is helping anymore and I think I need someone else to talk to” it is a sign of her reaching out for help. For an almost nine year old to be asking for help, you know something needs to be done.

The below scenarios are not in chronological order, and some details have been changed to protect the individuals.

Just a few days before Halloween, Sly picked Chloe up from school before lunch. She did have her phone with her, and I could see that she left school. This was on a Monday, and I had just dropped her off at school that morning, but it was Sly’s day with her. However, no one called me or messaged me of why she left school so early, and Sly wasn’t answering his messages, and Chloe wasn’t answering her phone. Would you be concerned? I, of course, called the school and turns out that Chloe had a really bad tummy ache and after visiting the school nurse twice, she was sent home. That morning, she didn’t want to eat much, and instead opted for a protein shake, which I’m okay with periodically to ensure she gets something in her stomach before school. Quite a while later, Sly finally messages me stating that she was home with him, and he got her soup and gave her Pepto.

Side Note: Halloween was Sly’s holiday with Chloe this year, and he likes to keep her overnight, even though it would have been my time with her, so I opted to trade with him as that’s only fair. So, he finally messaged me back and I went and picked her up from him around noon on Monday…

One thing about Sly is that he doesn’t care to ask Chloe how she feels. He just does what makes him look good. When I picked Chloe up, I noticed she didn’t really look sick, but she looked worried. I talked to her for a few minutes and asked her where her tummy hurt and if she was feeling anything else. She said “Mama, my tummy hurts all over, but not like I need to throw up or poop, and not like I’m hungry. My head hurts a little, and I feel dizzy and I’m cold but my hands are all sweaty.” I knew instantly that it was not an upset stomach. These are classic signs of anxiety. My heart sank. In the car we talked some more and I taught her some breathing exercises. After about 45 minutes she said “Mama, my tummy isn’t hurting anymore and I’m really hungry.”. So, I’m going to take a moment here to ask you all what you would think in this situation? Also, what would you do? Feel free to leave a comment.

Chloe is not doing well in school either. I’ve had several meetings with her teacher and we’ve tried so many things to help her. She works great in a group setting when the class is participating as a whole, however when she’s working alone on tasks or tests she gets severely distracted and cannot stay focused. She gets A’s on homework and other class work, but fails almost every test or quiz.

Yesterday she did something in class that was not appropriate. Her teacher sent Sly and me a message that Chloe was playing with something in class that a classmate had given her, while they were supposed to be working on an individual assignment. Well, at some point she threw it, and it hit her teacher in the face. Of course, this happens on a day that she’s with Sly. It is near impossible to co-parent with a narcissist so I never know what he’s going to do… so I did send him a message. He replied with “I’m going to ground her, take away all electronics, and no TV for at least a week”. Well, our parenting skills are a little different.

Last night Chloe called me, clearly upset. She said she was sad because she was grounded and couldn’t do anything. We talked a little bit about what she did. I had her tell me why it was wrong. I also asked her what she thought a good punishment should be. She said with tears streaming down her face “I should lose everything. I should have to sleep outside. I don’t deserve anything. I’m such a horrible daughter!”. I am not an expert, but judging by my experience and some of the classes I’ve taken, this is not a normal response for an 8 year old who did something wrong in class.

Every state is different on what is required for parental consent for counseling/therapy when it comes to a child. Where we live, if you go in person both parents have to be made aware that the child is going to therapy. There is a gray area when the child goes to online sessions though.

For well over a year Chloe has gone to one person online, and recently has gone to just once a month. She was going to someone before who she loved, but we were court ordered to stop her therapy because Sly didn’t want her to go. She’s recently asked me to go back to that place, but for obvious reasons we cannot.

After Chloe’s reaching out for help, her clear signs of anxiety and depression, her grades slipping, and her acting out in class, I knew we had to do something to get her help. I spoke to Chloe about this several times, and we agreed that I’d help find someone for her. I did… and I filled out all of the information, including the questionnaires with Chloe there with me. We went to schedule her first appointment, and it wasn’t required but it asked for the other parent’s information. So, knowing what I know, I put in Sly’s information. I wasn’t about to pull the wool over his eyes and have it come back to me later on. So, we scheduled the appointment…. and he received a notification. What do you think he did? If you said he clicked on the “cancel appointment” link, you’d be correct. He did this three times to be exact.

Remember what I said about the gray area with online counseling services? Well, it’s the fact that you’re not required to give the other parent notice. But I did, because its the right thing to do.

When I called Sly out on it, he responded with “When she can tell me she anxious or depressed, I might let her see someone”. I’m going to let you all leave a comment on what is wrong with what he said.

Chloe lives her life at Sly’s house simply to make him happy. She says and does what she thinks he wants her to.

At our house, Jake and I constantly try to instill in her that she has a voice, and she has feelings. No one can tell her how to feel or what to feel. All I want is for her to be okay, and to not come out of it like I did. Unfortunately, I’m better and Sly is now going after Chloe. He’s doing it to hurt me, but he’s only hurting her and he could care less.

As a victim/survivor of narcissistic abuse, I know what he’s putting Chloe through. All I can do as her mother with the knowledge and experience I have, is to guide her through this, and teach her how to be strong.

This post is about what our children can experience when they’re victims of narcissistic abuse from their own parents. Sly is obviously afraid of what counseling can determine, which is why he won’t allow Chloe to go. If anything, counseling or therapy can only help… it doesn’t hurt anyone.

Children are innocent and there is nothing that they do to deserve any kind of abuse. You’ve heard me say it once, and I probably will a thousand more times; abuse isn’t always physical. I lived it, and now Chloe is living it.

There are several places out there to help with therapy or counseling. We’re lucky enough to have insurance, so Grow Therapy online is a great option. Most cities and/or counties have referral programs as well.