Narcissistic Abuse Survival

In my past posts I’ve written quite a bit about gaslighting. Today, I’m going to tell you about something that happened last night, and a perfect example of what it is when a narcissist gaslights their own child.

First, let’s revisit what gaslighting is. Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse that manipulates the victim into questioning their reality, memories, or even sanity. Gaslighting can take many forms, and is a broad term… but nonetheless, it is abuse. Gaslighting is a common form of manipulation that narcissists use. I have yet to figure out if it is strictly a characteristic personality trait, or if they actually know and realize they’re doing it. Gaslighting, again, can take many forms when it comes to a child victim and can include the following:

• Narrative or Manipulation of Reality – when the abuser tries and manipulates what their victim remembers, or denies the victim’s perceptions or experiences
• Emotional – when the abuser reacts to the victim’s feelings as if they are wrong or don’t make sense
• Denial and Scapegoating – when the abuser refuses to take responsibility or accountability for their own actions. They blame someone else.
• Withholding – when the abuser pretends to not understand the conversation
• Trivializing – when the abuser belittles or disrespects the victim’s feelings
• Lying – exactly what it says. Maybe its the abuser is lying about what they know, or its saying everyone else is lying. This is done to isolate someone from the truth
• Coercion – When the abuser tries to convince everyone that they are the good person, or that they are doing what’s right. Under coercion, the abuser will also use something important to you as ammunition to manipulate their victim into getting their way

If you’d like to read or learn more about the subject of gaslighting and children, I urge to you read the article posted here: https://www.simplypsychology.org/gaslighting-parents.html It delves into this subject quite a bit more, and explains the the damage to a child it can do, as well as the signs to look for.

Onto the scenario from last night. I believe I’ve written about Chloe’s afterschool activity on Thursdays, and for purposes of keeping her identity hidden, we shall call this activity “sport” for this blog. Sport takes place from about 6-7pm, every Thursday. Yesterday at Chloe’s school, they had Open House during the same time. A couple of weeks ago when I met with Chloe’s teacher, we discussed us coming in earlier so Chloe could go to Sport. Her teacher was fine with this, so that’s what we planned on.

Before I dropped Chloe off at school, and again when I got there to check her out at the end of the day, I reiterated to her that we could only spend a few minutes in her class so she could make Sport on time. This is not something we can be late to, as it is not fair to her, the instructor or the other teammates. She understood. We were the only ones who scheduled earlier than 6pm for Open House with her teacher, so of course when we got there it was just us. After a few minutes we’d chatted, and I saw the work Chloe was working on. Then we were ready to go, and as we were walking out the door, low and behold… Sly shows up. No one had any idea he was going to be there. At this time, it is nearing the time we have to leave to make Sport on time.

I quietly mentioned to Chloe that we needed to leave to get there on time, or we wouldn’t be able to go. She felt obligated to stay because her father was there. Sly asked the teacher questions about what to do at home for Chloe’s reading, and a few other things, that should be discussed at a parent/teacher conference, not at Open House. He also had no interest in Chloe’s math project she was working on. Time kept ticking, and as Sly was filling out a parent quiz to “see how well you know your child”, it became too late to make Sport on time. I quietly mentioned this to Chloe, and she said “it’s okay Mom, I don’t have to go to Sport I guess”. After a few more minutes, Sly quickly and abruptly said bye to Chloe and left.

We ended up staying a few more minutes, as Chloe already said she didn’t have to go to Sport and we already passed the time to leave, and then said our good-byes to her teacher and walked outside. As soon as the outside air hit Chloe, she got upset. It was in that moment she realized we weren’t going to Sport, and that we were just going home. The tears fell, and she became quite upset and angry.

I noticed a few things while Sly was there, and analyzed even more after we left. First, Sly knows what time I pick Chloe up and knows that she has Sport on Thursdays. Second, he did not tell a single soul he was going to Open House, and in fact he had mentioned to Chloe that he wouldn’t be there. Third, he showed up earlier than 6pm, while we were there…. and he knew we were there. There is no real reason for him to have shown up at this time. And after he knew that the time had past for us to make it in time to get to Sport, he abruptly left. If he was just there to talk to her teacher…well, that’s not the point of Open House. All parents in her class were given the opportunity for a phone or in person conference with the teacher, which he did not take advantage of. Open House is to see what’s going on in the classroom, and to see what your child is working on… which he cared less about while he was there. Aside from that, why did he show up before 6pm? Her teacher even said he was the only parent who didn’t message her about Open House and when he’d be there.

One thing we’re trying to teach Chloe is that she has a voice. She’s young and small, but her feelings are important, and she should never keep those feelings bottled up. If someone hurts her, she needs to tell them. Her feelings are important, and no one should ever invalidate them. We also tell her that she’s brave, smart, kind… and every other good thing about her.

Once we got to the car, she expressed to me that she was upset with her father. I told her that if she wanted to, she could call him… and she did. At first, my heart sank because I feared what was about to happen, and that she’d back down, so to speak. But, to my amazement, she did not. She stood her ground, and was stern, but still respectful. When he answered, she said with tears rolling down her face “dad, you didn’t tell me you were coming to Open House, and you knew I had Sport tonight, and it’s now too late and I can’t go!”. I only overheard a few things that he said, and one of them was “Well, your mother should have said something to me so I would have known!”. <- That my friends is a form of gaslighting, especially since he already knew. He said a couple of other things that I couldn’t make out, but she followed up with “It’s not Mom’s fault!”. A moment of silence occurred, and before I knew it, she hung up… on him. She said, no longer crying, “Mama, I hung up on him. He’s being kind of a brat, and I can’t talk to him.”.

This was a very proud mama moment. I’m proud because she told him how she felt, and why. I’m proud because she knew what happened, and she addressed it respectfully. Yes, she hung up on him, but there comes a point, when you have had enough…and sometimes that is better than continuing the conversation and risk getting more upset. We did discuss the name calling, but she said it to me about him, not directly to him.

She found her voice, and she stood up for herself. He did try and gaslight her, but she was brave and didn’t allow him to do that. Now, I know there will be MANY more instances like this, or worse. The only thing I can do as her mother is prepare her for that, and let her know that she is brave, and her voice and her feelings are important.

Would you try and talk to your upset child if they were upset with you to find out why? Would you apologize if you knew you hurt their feelings? If your child called you crying, got more upset while on the phone with you to the point of hanging up… would you attempt to call them back, or message them somehow? Sly did none of these things. He let her be upset, knowingly, and he didn’t try to do anything to make it better. But instead, he placed blame on someone else, and didn’t even try to console her or apologize.

Gaslighting a Child… Doing something on purpose to harm someone, placing blame on someone else, and not taking accountability for something you do.

If your child is a victim of abuse… no matter what kind, please help them and seek out a counselor, therapist, or psychologist. It won’t hurt, but can help, especially if you’re a victim as well and are having trouble navigating how to deal with a narcissist. Chloe and I have been there… and are still trying to navigate ourselves.