Narcissistic Abuse Survival

There are times when the narcissist is nice, albeit not often. When I say they are nice, I’m talking about the times they’re nice to us, not their flying monkeys or anyone else aside from their victims.

But what is nice? To me, it’s when they ask something of you and maybe even include a ‘please’ instead of demanding you to do something. It is when they offer to do something for you to seemingly make your life easier. They’ll use their manners and say please and thank you. They may even joke around, or even tell their child something like “oh your mom is great at doing that stuff, much more so than I am”. Sometimes they’ll offer you an extra place or an extra ticket for something they’re attending so you can spend more time with your child. Think of how you would treat someone you love, or someone you’re friends with.

However, we all know by now that these are not true intentions, and are big red flags. But why are they being nice?

That’s the question… WHY? Whatever you do though, don’t ask them this question. That’s whole can of worms you don’t want to open. Over the years, I have documented everything. Going back over everything, I’ve noticed, at least with Sly, there is a pattern of sorts. I’ve found that he is nice when he wants or needs something from me, or the proverbial $h!t is about to hit the fan.

There are lots of times when he has to leave town for work and per the first right of refusal, I am to have Chloe on those over-nights. He assumes that when this happens, it messes up my schedule, and I’ll usually get a message as a follow up “if it’s too much for you, my mom can take her”. Or, “we have an extra ticket to the baseball game so you can come with her”. The problem is he assumes things. Having Chloe on days that are not mine are just a bonus, and I’ll take every one I can get. I still haven’t figured out yet why he’s never asked to trade days… he just willingly gives up his days.

Then there are the times when he does something wrong and gets caught. Usually this is the not paying for Chloe’s lunch at school, or his payment gets returned for her after school care (both of which he’s required to pay for). I will forward him the message, and he’ll promptly respond with “I’m sorry, I’ll get this taken care of ASAP. Thanks”.

There are also times when they’re just simply nice. Sometimes this happens because they simply want something that you have. This could be a connection, one of your days that they would like to spend with their child for something, or simply because they’re reeling you back in to make you think they’re not all that bad. Maybe it’s your respect they want. I wrote about the hoover effect in a past post… and maybe this could be a reason as well. They’re sucking you in just so they can devalue you later on.

If something hasn’t happened, or he doesn’t want or need something… then most likely something is about to happen. They’re going to do something to make you angry, or hurt you. This is usually in the form of them going to the ends of the earth to make you out to be a horrible person. I’ve written about this in the past, on how they have their smear campaign.

If the narcissist is nice to you, and you are asking yourself “why?”… stand back, don’t react, but be cautious. Don’t question the past and try and tell yourself “maybe they’re not all that bad”. That is why they’re doing it. They’re trying to bring you back it. Don’t fall for it. You are in this position because of everything they did to you.

I’ve learned over the years to expect anything. There is no rhyme or reason for how they respond or speak to you. Going through life, just don’t react to any of it. Always respond in short, direct statements. And never give in. They will take from you and give nothing in return.

In the comments, leave me a note and tell me a time when you experienced the narcissist being nice… and why you think it was. Tell me how YOU deal with it.