Narcissistic Abuse Survival

I’m sure there’s a better title than that… but today’s post is going to be about how a narcissist uses their own flesh and blood to get what they want and to make themselves look better, or to make others look bad. I’m going to discuss and share with you a few of the recent things that have occurred with Sly and Chloe. Towards the end of this post, I’m going to write what it’s like being the non-narcissistic parent trying to help their child cope with the narcissistic parent. It is not for the faint of heart. I will offer this trigger warning as it contains emotionally heavy content.

It has been a few months since I last wrote, and quite a lot has happened. Through the healing process, we as victims stop letting the narcissistic abuse get to us. We’re more apt to “shake it off” or “let it go”, and we can ignore it or we have a better response. When this happens, the narcissist will go after the next person and victimize them to get to us. So, if there are children involved, such as Chloe is this case, that is who they go after. Yes, it hurts us more than anything because we love our children, and we know they don’t deserve what is being done to them. I’ve often said that Sly can do anything or say anything to me, but he needs to leave Chloe out of it. She deserves none of what he does or says. In a future post, I’m going to do a little advocating for the non-physical abuse of children…again. If you’ve been reading thus far, you know my stance on it. One day I will be heard….

So, going back a few months to the end of February, ironically one day after my last post. I received a message from Sly advising me that “She has something she needs to apologize to you for. Please let me know that she does this and what she says it was for”. When I picked Chloe up from school that day, before we got buckled in the car or drove anywhere, I asked her if she had something to tell me… when she had no clue, I mentioned to her that her Dad had told me that there may be something that she needed to apologize for. She immediately got upset and said over and over again how she was the worst daughter in the world and I should just leave her somewhere. She spoke to her cousin about my deceased brother… That’s what it was about. In no way, shape or form should she need to apologize for that. We talk about him all of the time. She was at my mother’s house at the time, and apparently her talking about her Uncle upset everyone in the house, and she was yelled at and grounded. Of course, Sly never told me anything, and never confirmed what it was he thought she should apologize for. This was one of those scenarios that took me back to living with him, and the things he’d do and say to me. I of course told Chloe that she did absolutely nothing wrong, and that it was okay to talk about him. But, who does this to their child?

In March we have the case of the severely sprained ankle, his forfeiture of time, and a call to the authorities with a false report of kidnapping. You can’t make this stuff up… We start out at a friend’s birthday party at a local skating rink, where Chloe inevitably goes down on the ice, and ends up with us taking her to urgent care and being diagnosed with a sprained ankle. She gets an air cast, some crutches, and instructions on staying home from school for two days with a note to school also stating that she is to refrain of P.E. and recess for two weeks. I sent Sly updates via the parenting app several times, with the first message being when we got in the car prior to leaving for urgent care. I sent a message during the urgent care visit, and two more once we got Chloe home with us. Sly was given detailed information, copies of the doctor notes, and the visit notes that came from the doctor office portal. Information was given as to Chloe not being able to be in school, and where she would be. The next day is Sly’s day with Chloe, and if there is no school, pick up time is at 9:00AM. Side note: that due to harassment, and being notified in writing, Sly is blocked from any form of communication aside from the parenting app. Sly also refuses to activate or accept the call and voice call features on the parenting app. It is often he refuses to check messages or set up the notifications in the parenting app as well. So, that Monday morning, I received several messages back to back very shortly before 9:00AM (the pick up time) from Sly. He’s just read all of the messages, as he neglected to log in before. All he demanded was “Where is she!!!”. I advised him that she was with me, that it was in the messages, and he knew where she was. I also reminded him that per the parenting guide, if he is more than 30 minutes late, he forfeits his time with her. Meanwhile, Chloe is asking me all sorts of questions… and I refuse to lie to her, so I am telling her the basics. She knows her dad is on his way, but didn’t read the messages until this morning, and she knows he hasn’t asked once how she is. He shows up at 9:50AM to get her. I kindly remind him of the parenting guide that is court ordered. He proceeds to step out and call law enforcement to in his words “report a kidnapping”. I’m not entirely sure what he thought would happen… but he told them that I kidnapped Chloe. I promise I cannot make this stuff up. After about 15 or so minutes, he comes back and yells “they’ll be in touch!” and leaves. Needless to say, nothing ever happened after that. Chloe watched as his truck drove away, and she just said “well, there he goes. At least he could’ve asked how I was.”. And that’s the point in this… He never asked how she was, never asked to see her while he was there, and didn’t even ask to see or speak to her. I’ll let you all make up your own minds about this…and him on this incident. Drop a comment and let me know your thoughts.

And then we have the phone. Yes, a phone for a child that is under 10. Under any other normal circumstances, I would not allow Chloe to have a phone. She’s had a tablet for years, mainly for long car rides, or when she’s playing learning games. I have always thought that a phone should be given around the teenage years. However, I have realized over the past few months that there are certain circumstances that may require something different. Chloe brought up the subject of the phone after the ankle sprain incident. She said to me “Mom, maybe we can talk about me having a phone so I can talk to you when I’m with dad, or I can talk to him when I’m with you, since he won’t let me call you.”. I told her I’d talk it over with Jake and we’d come up with something. Chloe was already concerned that her dad would take a phone away, throw it away, or simply not allow her to use it. Honestly, I had the same concerns, if not worse. I revisited the parenting guide, especially the portion about communication between the child and parent. It specifically states:

I send Sly a message in the parenting app

After careful consideration, I felt I was doing what was in Chloe’s best interest. There was no rebuttal from Sly after sending this message…. at least not until later on. So, we added Chloe onto Jake and I’s cell phone plan, got her a cheaper phone, and set everything up for her. The evening of set up, I told Chloe I was going to send her dad a message from the phone letting him know of her phone number. She sat there while I sent the following “this is Chloe’s new number. She said she loves you.”. His response to her message said “She’s never asked to call you and never mentions you when she’s here, so I still don’t understand the need for an 8 year old to have a phone”. No “I love you too”, no “I’ll see you soon”… nothing. She sees this, as it is on her phone. Over the next couple of weeks, he doesn’t allow her to use it, or to even take it out of her backpack. I kindly remind him that he’s in contempt for not allowing her to communicate with me. That doesn’t stop him from snatching it away from her on one occurrence yelling at her “no electronics!”. That was right after she cleaned her room. I simply asked the question of why she wasn’t allowed to have her phone to call us, and I was met with crickets. I thought maybe she got in trouble for something, but even still she should still be allowed to use her phone to call us.

I am thankful that Chloe tells me mostly everything, and I hope that never changes. After going on about the phone with her father, she tells me “Mom, he said you lied to me that he couldn’t read my messages, and that I could call you when I wanted.”. When these things come up, I don’t speak ill of him, but I show her the wording in the parenting guide so she can see what I sent to him. I tell her that she is allowed to talk to me between certain hours, and he cannot prevent her from doing so, nor can he monitor what is being said or texted. And same goes the other way…she is allowed to call him and has called him whenever she wants.

Then we have a certain Friday and Saturday in April. Chloe video calls us one Friday evening around 8PM, and we talked and laughed for about a half hour. Then I overhear Sly yelling at her “It’s time to tell your birth giver and Jim Bob to say good bye!!!”. So, we tell her that it’s not nice to call people names, but it doesn’t bother us, and that we’d talk soon. We say our good byes and love yous. The next morning shortly after 9AM she calls us again, and during this call I could tell something was wrong. She seemed mopey and down in the dumps, like she lost a best friend. I asked her a few times, but she said she was fine. She said she needed to go because her dad would yell at her if she took too long. After we got off the phone, she almost immediately called back… She said “Mama, I do need to tell you something”. I always tell her she can tell me anything. Apparently, Sly changed Jake’s name in her phone to Jim Bob. This is why she was sad, and now she’s in tears because of it. She even sent Jake a text that said “I’m sorry my dad did that to you. I love you”. It was intentionally done to hurt us…but instead it hurts her. Her own father is doing not so nice things to people she loves. I did message Sly about it, and of course it is ignored.

It breaks my heart for Chloe that he is doing these things to her. She’s already stated to me several times, and also to her therapist that she is scared of him. She’s asked the question of “why doesn’t he get in trouble when he does something wrong”, and all I know to tell her is that some people just do bad things to hurt others. And I also remind her that there’s only one that can judge us (depending on what you believe in), and that includes him and us. I also tell her that we don’t want to learn from his behavior, but instead we want to treat others kindly and we want to follow the rules. I remind her all the time to never let anyone take away her happiness, and to not ever let anyone change who she is. Our main goal is to teach her to be brave, courageous, kind, strong, and to know she has a voice. She matters above all else. She’s told her therapist several times that “My mom just loves me more than my dad”. Sly tells her that certain things at our house, or certain things that we do are stupid. For example we threw away a shoe box from her new shoes, and he told her it was stupid because now we can’t take the shoes back. He’s also shorted her lunch account, so we’ve had to pack her lunches instead of her getting the hot lunch that she likes. It is court ordered that he pay for lunches, mind you.

With all of the recent happenings, I’ve noticed incidents and things Sly says are becoming more frequent in regards to Chloe. Everything is documented…for a rainy day I suppose because no attorney or judge will hear this case. I’ve been through this with Sly, and I did it alone. I lived through the lies, the belittling, the name calling and everything else. I remember how I felt, and thinking I wasn’t good enough for anything or anyone. I saw potential in him, while he went around smearing me into the ground. It breaks my heart to see my child showing the signs of the same abuse. If she makes a mistake, instead of working to try and fix it, she goes into the “I’m a terrible daughter. You should just throw me away!” or “I don’t know why you want me because I’m terrible!” or yesterday it was “I’ll just call my dad to get me because you won’t want me!”. It’s awful. I know what he’s doing, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I constantly tell Chloe things to build her back up, as does Jake. Every single time she comes back from her dad’s she’s got an attitude that usually results in some sort of argument, and then her crying and apologizing to us. I know it’s not her. It’s only on Wednesdays after we pick her up. Research suggests that she, or any child dealing with narcissistic abuse from a parent, usually acts out when they feel freer and more comfortable to express themselves. She’s scared of him, therefore she is walking on eggshells around him.

I continue to tell Chloe that I understand, and I try and get on her level. I tell her that I know that words can hurt, and just because we’re not being slapped or punched, things can still hurt. But, what we have to do is know what is right and wrong. I’ve told Chloe that when her dad says “I don’t like Jake” or “that’s really stupid” that it is just his opinion, and we can just walk away or not say anything. We need to know that we’re good people and we care about others so we’re not going to say these things.

I know I’ve said this before, but the thing is that Sly lives what I call a double life. He lives a lie to most people. He portrays himself as an upstanding person to those around him, or when he’s in public. The things that he says or does to me, and now Chloe, no one aside from us know about. He will tell other people certain things which couldn’t be farther from the truth, so they see him a good person. No one sees the messages or the texts, or hears what he says to Chloe.

I’m going to leave this here…and my next post will probably be about all things abuse aside from physical. It just flat out sucks that no one bats an eye unless there are physical marks left behind that someone can see.