Narcissistic Abuse Survival

One word that isn’t under the Narcissistic Dictionary is Desperation. Although, Narcissists are incredibly desperate to keep their egos inflated. They will go to the ends of the earth to make themselves look like a saint, when they are quite the contrary. They will spend hours constructing lies and story lines to persuade others that you are the enemy. They spend countless dollars on “charities” or give money to certain people in need to make them seem like they care, when in reality it is a ploy to have the victim’s friends see them as the opposite of what they are. It comes down to something simple – narcissists are desperate to make their victims look like the bad guy. They want to make you look like the person they really are, and they want people to see you that way, including friends, family and even their own children. 

There have been a few things that have happened over the past few months, and I’m going to write about these events. I’ve tried to be transparent with my readers, mainly to provide guidance and understanding to let YOU know you’re not alone. I’m hopeful that my experiences and my exposure to this abuse will help and empower other victims. Please remember that names and some details have been changed to protect myself and others. 

We’re going to start with a donation to a Go Fund me. We all know what a Go Fund me is, and what it is used for. A good friend of mine’s sister has undergone some financially debilitating medical procedures. Truth be told I didn’t even know about most of it, especially the Go Fund me. We also know that you can post anonymously, or with your name. Her family did post this on social media, but as with most social media, it picks and chooses what you see through algorithms. Sly donated $200 to her Go Fund me. Even though Sly is back on social media, I’m not sure how he knew about her, or the Go Fund me. They aren’t friends, and they haven’t spoken in years, since well before I left him. I actually saw it on social media well after a friend of hers posted it. In the time that I was with Sly, he never donated to anyone or any cause, but actually quite the opposite. Sly knows who my friends are, and those who he has not brainwashed, and these specific people are clearly at the top of his list. The point is, he’s trying to win them over with a donation to prove he’s the good guy. He is simply desperate to win over those who he hasn’t yet, and it is clear he will go to any means necessary including giving donations when he cannot even afford a decent winter coat or pants for his daughter. 

This leads me to the “friends list” on social media, specifically Facebook. Once Sly was back on Facebook, he popped up on the “People You May Know” section, which I still don’t understand how that algorithm worked, but whatever. So, I clicked on his page which was set to privacy settings galore, which is characteristic of a narcissist. But, I could still see “mutual friends”. There was one, and I actually reached out to question that person. The thing about social media as an individual is you’re on there for one of two reasons. The first being that you actually want to share your life with your family and friends. The other is to spy on them. 

Narcissists will stop at nothing to try and get everyone around you to turn on you. They are also desperate to keep up their appearance to everyone they’ve already got on board the smear campaign. 

Chloe had a school play in December for Christmas. To set the scene for story purposes… Jake picked Chloe up from school that day because I was a little busy at work, and then he took her for ice cream. They met me, and we got her dressed, ready, and I did her hair and a little mascara and lip gloss. We headed to her school, where Sly was waiting outside looking for us, only to inform her of where they were going to be sitting – no hug, no “hi how are you?”, nothing to her otherwise. We took her to meet her teacher and class, and then we sat close to where we knew she’d be performing. The principal gave all parents and friends explicit instructions to stay seated until the end of the performance, and then we’d be released to go get our child. Also, keep in mind that this was my time with Chloe, and we’d be picking her up and taking her home. With about 15-20 minutes left in the performance, I got a message from Chloe’s teacher stating that “Dad just picked up Elizabeth. I thought you said it was your night and you’d be getting her?”. So, Jake and I got up, walked to her class and her teacher told us that she’d been picked up. So… where does that leave us? Searching the school for Sly and Chloe. Apparently, Sly also told her teacher that I wouldn’t allow Chloe to see him or her grandparents after the show, so he needed to go ahead and pick her up. It was her assumption that he was leaving with her. I received no messages from Sly, and no indication of where they went. After walking around, we spotted them across the school. Of course, as usual, Sly is standing there with his smirk on his face like the cat that got the mouse. He said “well, I sent you a message”, knowing very well he didn’t. But who are his flying monkeys going to believe? His mother also pipes in and yells at me saying “well, I would have messaged you, but you blocked me”. I turned around as I said to her “I block people who threaten me or my child”. We walked away, let them leave, and then we left. Again, it’s all about the desperation. He’s so desperate to prove to others that I am a bad person who wouldn’t let Chloe see her family before I’d just whisk her away, which is not at all true. It is true that I dislike these people, and I have boundaries, but I’ll never take her away from them. And then to stand there and blatantly lie that he messaged me, all while turning around to hide his face. 

Let’s talk about Chloe’s birthday… her actual birthday on a school day. Every year I have taken cupcakes to school for her to celebrate with her class. She knows this, and it is almost expected, plus I told her I was going to. Her birthday was on his morning, and he’d be dropping her off. My plan was to meet her at her classroom at the very least. Well, after I pulled in and got out of my truck to get the cupcakes, I see him pull in almost right behind me. He saw me, and pretended not to. I wish I would have videoed it, because it was almost comical what he did. He stood in front of the door, and then purposefully blocked her vision of me and proceeded to speed walk past me. I said “Happy Birthday!” and she turned around, as he rolled his eyes and said “come on, you’re going to be late!”. She still had at least 20 minutes, so lateness was not a factor. He didn’t say a word until he tapped her on the head when he left. This was probably the funniest, desperate attempt I’ve ever seen. Clearly he didn’t expect to see me. 

I won’t even tell the story on Sly’s intentions of keeping Chloe on her birthday all night and telling me “oh you can stop by my house for a little bit to spend some time with her if you want!”. Um, no, I’ll pick her up according to the parenting schedule, thanks!. There are a ton of things that happen each month, and only so many that I share here. 

Narcissists are so desperate in how the world portrays them, AND how the world portrays their victims. One thing that I have learned, and am still trying to apply to my own life, is that they will do this forever and there isn’t a single thing you can do to stop it. You can’t control them, you can only control yourself and your reactions to it. The people that they have already brainwashed are no longer in your circle, and they no longer care about you. They live in their own little fantasy world with blinders on. Don’t be concerned with them. You’ll know the people that are in your circle. Those are the people that are ALWAYS there for you, and know the truth. They will never leave your side, and they will never fall for the narcissist’s antics. 

Chloe will understand all of this as she gets older. She will see people for who they are. Right now, we’re teaching her that her feelings are valid, she has a voice, that she is most important, and above all that she is loved. That is the only thing you can do for your children. You’ve got to stick it out and trust that you are giving them everything they need, and that as they get older they will see.