Narcissistic Abuse Survival

I have a feeling that this post will go off topic by the end, and this may be more of a post about feelings and what I personally have experienced. One of my main goals in starting this blog is to reach other victims of narcissistic abuse, and to empower them and to let them know they are not alone. If I am completely transparent with all of you, I think there is a better chance of connection and understanding.

There are certain things that Sly does or says, or certain things that happen to provoke anger, anxiety, disappointment, sadness, despair, or just utter bewilderment. That is what this post is mainly about, and will reflect on recent situations that have directly affected me or Chloe. It is simply about my experiences. So, grab some popcorn, this may be a long one.

Also, I want to disclose something that doesn’t really affect my writing of the blog. The narcissist that I write about is completely aware that this blog exists and reads it frequently. It doesn’t change anything, and I will still write as I would any other day. It is true what they say… sometimes your enemies are your biggest fans.

That leads me into one topic that I don’t think I have touched on. I don’t know the medical or narcissistic terms for this, if there are any. A narcissist will become obsessed (for lack of a better term) with their “supply” or victim once they leave. Sly hired a private investigator to follow me, had his friends and family stalk and follow me on social media, and has placed at least one tracking device. After I left him, and especially after I met Jake, he became good ol’ Sly the Detective. He searched high and low all over the internet for anything about us, including myself, Jake, Jake’s son and ex-wife, and any friends and family. He researched our places of employment and organizations we belonged to, where we lived and even down to how many bedrooms our house had. I’ve had doctor appointments, eye doctor to be precise, that I had mentioned to Sly as it was my day with Chloe. He miraculously shows up for his eye exam at the same time… when he’s never gone to the same eye doctor prior to. Two weeks later I’m at the eye glass store to pick up my eye glasses, and about 15-20 minutes after I’m there, here comes Sly and his girlfriend. It is one hell of a coincidence don’t ya think? And then let’s talk about the damage to my car, that I had to spend about $350 to get repaired. The right front wheel well was cut. The service department told me it was cut, and not just damaged from the road or driving. There was (most likely) something put in the wheel well.

Narcissists seem to almost live separate lives. One is where they have their supply/victim, and the other is their regular life. Just like the above paragraph. Sly was always a very private person, keeping his phone, computer, tablet and watch under very strong supervision with extra security and passwords on all of them. I know that no one else knows the things he’s doing or saying to me. No one sees the messages. No one sees what he’s doing on his computer. Same as our life together. No one saw what went on behind closed doors, and even when I reached out for help, no one believed me. It is almost like a nightmare, or a movie you see on TV. You can’t believe it, but you’re living it.

A narcissist will do anything to make you go crazy, and verbally or physically act out. They will go to the ends of the earth to mentally and emotionally torment you, until they get a reaction. Your reaction is what they show to the world. THIS is what will ruin you if you’re not careful. People see YOUR reaction, but they don’t see what the narcissist is doing to you. So, what’s that look like? They’re still the nice, sweet, charming person they always are, and you’re the crazy psychopath who has lost her mind and needs help. For those of you going through a separation, divorce or simply trying to get away from a narcissist… if you don’t remember anything else, remember this.

So, aside from the obsessive, stalking behaviors we have to try and shield ourselves from, let’s talk about the things they send to us to try and make us go crazy. Let’s start with the “anonymous” letters. Twice now I have received one, and this last time one was also sent to Jake at his place of employment. The last ones were back in August of this year. As it turns out, these letters were what directed me to the fact that Sly reads my blog. I casually mentioned it in a message about his harassing, anonymous letters, and he didn’t reply to that. If you know anything of a narcissist, if you call them out on something factual, they’ll avoid it like the plague. That is how I knew it was a fact that Sly has been writing the letters. I’ve shared the letters enough with people who are close who know my story, and I’ve blocked out the ‘real’ names, so I’m posting them below. Simply for reference and examples of course. I could sit here and defend them all I want… It won’t matter. I’ve blocked out the real names, and even mine. The letters are set up to appear to be written by a “friend”. But I know Sly well enough. There are terms in here like “mentally unstable” that only he’s used in the past, and references about me taking medication. Truth be told, we all have some form of anxiety. It doesn’t make us unstable. And I made it a point to never post any of this, the divorce, or things about people on my personal FB page, aside from factual events and statements. There have been people who have been blocked for what they’ve posted and said about me… and I do have screenshots in a file on my desktop that I saved before I blocked them. But, if he chooses to take me back to court, so be it. There is nothing on my Facebook that is anything negative about any person. If anyone would like to talk to me about these letters, or ask questions, feel free to comment or you can email me (click the little envelope on the home page), or shoot me a PM on my Facebook page (click the FB icon on the home page to get there). These letters are accusatory, and belittling in everyway. This is a perfect example of how they try so hard to make you think you’re the problem, and that you’re crazy. The best thing you can do is laugh it off, choose your circle, and walk away.

Then there are the things a narcissist does intentionally, which usually places a child or children smack in the middle, and makes it appear as though it is your fault.

First example: There was an event one morning at Chloe’s school for mothers and their child/student. Sly would be dropping her off that morning. Twice I sent very specific instructions and details of where I would meet Chloe and what time I would be there. That morning I arrived early, and I waited and waited and waited. After the specified time had past, plus an extra ten minutes, I called Sly and asked “where is she?”. He replied “I don’t know, she was dropped off a while ago.”. “What do you mean you don’t know where she is?”, I said. Apparently he had to go out of town, yet again, and had his father drop her off. He neglected to give my instructions to his dad, and actually told his dad to meet me on the opposite side of the school. Chloe’s teacher saw me, and then told her where I was. Otherwise, the event would have been missed entirely. Chloe and her grandfather said they thought I was just late…

Second example: Earrings, temporary tattoos, shoes and shorts for Chloe for school have been nothing but objects Sly chooses to criticize and tell her that she can’t wear them, and insinuates that I am a horrible mother for letting her. At the beginning of the school year I bought Chloe two pairs of shoes as they were BOGO. One pair is a pair of Skechers, and has piano like keys on them, and they can make noise if you play them. For purposes of the story, I did get prior authorization from the school so she could wear them. I meet them at the school on her FIRST day, and she’s wearing old, two sizes too small shoes and NOT the new piano ones. I ask why, and he says with the usual smirk on his face “she can’t wear those to school, they make noise!”. I told him “That’s not true, I already got authorization. There’s also no reason to send her in old, dirty, too small shoes. And if there was an issue, why didn’t you message me, and I would have brought the other new pair?”. He just smirks, laughs and grabs her arm and puts her back in his truck to drop her off in car line. There was a day I took her to a local Farmer’s Market, and she got a temporary glitter tattoo on her shoulder. I made sure it was small, and was not visible when a shirt was worn. That Monday evening, she went to Sly’s house… He literally scrubbed it off with the scrubby side of a kitchen sponge and olive oil telling her “tattoos are only for stupid, bad people, NOT for you!”. I’m not going to sit here and give every example, or I’d be writing until next month…. But this is a usual, ongoing occurrence. It is usually something that I buy for her, or that she picks out, that is perfectly acceptable for her to wear or have. He always has to jump in, take it away from her, and make it appear that I am the bad parent for buying it for her. The fact on this is, it doesn’t matter what you do for your kids, the narcissist will always make it look like you are doing something wrong. I can only advise on documenting literally everything.

Narcissists must be in control of everything, including money. They use it, like everything else, as a weapon. There are court orders that state what and how much we each pay for everything. I am still waiting for his portion of reimbursement for uniforms, shoes, and and other school items like her backpack from August. I uploaded the receipts immediately, and payment is supposed to be reimbursed within 30 days. Chloe has to have a dental procedure done (because there is not supervision of her, or correct toothpaste and mouthwash at his house), and I received the initial statement of $900. This is for anesthesia and must be paid to secure her appointment. Of course, Sly argued with me that if I paid it, he wasn’t going to reimburse me. Well, I had to, and I did. So, his required 70% of that bill will probably never be seen. He refuses to pay for anything. If Chloe has a school function, I usually buy her what she needs because he refuses. As any normal parent, I want her to be able to participate in things.

Messages get ignored as well. But, this is nothing out of the ordinary. This is another way they think they can control you and the situation. I sent him a message almost a week ago about an event at her school next week… he read it, but has decided to ignore it. If I had to put a percentage of messages he does or does not reply to… He probably replies to about 30% of them.

On the subject of messages, as I’ve mentioned before Sly had to be blocked from social media, emails, phone and any other messaging apps because of his harassment. He would send me an email, and I’d respond. Then he’d reply, but do it via text. Narcissists try and confuse their victims, and make them stressed and angry… Because, what’s that do? It makes them respond in a non-calm manner. There are some references of this in the blogs where I tell the basis of my story. We are required to use a parenting app, and it is court ordered. Recently they’ve added a voice and video call feature, which would document any and all calls. Of course, he’s refused. We used to use WhatsApp so Chloe could still talk to us if she needed, or so I could get an urgent message to him (not that he checks ANY messages), but I’ve recently stopped using this platform as well, and I notified him as such. Of course, he’ll try and force me to use it by not answering Chloe’s calls, or any urgent messages I send him. He blames me for using the parenting app and him not getting messages, get this…. because he refuses to put the app on his phone and only accesses it periodically on his work computer. Well, sorry, Charlie… not my fault.

Walk-The-Line. That’s what I call what Sly does. I mean, technically he is breaking all sorts of court orders, and has since day one. But, he’s not breaking any laws to where he could actually get in trouble. See the post about the hearing here https://wordpress.com/post/narcissisticabusesurvival.org/155. But, he walks the line. That line where he knows what he’s doing is wrong, and he knows he is hurting Chloe, but it doesn’t affect him in a negative way, so he’s going to keep doing it. There’s nothing ethical or moral that he does. He’s always slid in undetected. People say karma’s a bitch. As I get older, I don’t really believe in karma anymore. But, I also don’t believe that you can go through life being like this, and not getting what you deserve in the end.

The only advice that I know to give is to document EVERYTHING. Write, take pictures, get videos, have a voice recorder with you at all times, and notate every word that is said and every action that is done. Save the texts, emails, and messages. Try your best to have one platform for all communications. The only thing you have to do, legally, is let the narcissist know that you’re blocking them from certain things, and that you’re only going to communicate through one platform. And just roll your eyes and move on. It won’t ever end. The only thing you can do is change how you react to all of it.

In the end, Chloe will know. Kids know who cares, who pays attention, and who shows up. When she’s old enough, she’ll understand. There are a lot of things that she already questions. As a parent, you’ve got to always keep it truthful, and limit the details. Kids are smart. They know.