Narcissistic Abuse Survival

Today we’re going to address trauma responses – what they are, why we have them, how to live with them, and how to gain back our freedom from them.

We’ve already discussed what trauma is in a previous post. For this post, we’re going to discuss the trauma only from narcissistic abuse…because well, that’s what this blog is about. Most of us who have been in a narcissistic relationship are completely unaware of what is being done to us, much less actually name it something like ‘trauma’. We’re also unaware of what the trauma does to us, and how we are conditioned to react to it. When you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you are mentally and emotionally abused, and you are conditioned to accept the abuse, and to believe it is normal. This abuse is ongoing and repetitive, and is a traumatic experience.

It took me a couple of years to realize what I had been through, and how it was affecting me as a person, as well as the relationships I had with others.

Any sort of a traumatic experience will undoubtedly cause upsetting emotions, memories, and anxiety. Every single one of us has most likely experienced some sort of trauma. We all respond to it in different ways, and no one way is right or wrong. Our responses are normal reactions to abnormal events.

A trauma response is your reaction to a current event or situation based on your previous emotions or memories to a past event or situation. This is my definition this time, not Merriam Webster. There isn’t a lot of factual information on the internet to research on the subject of ‘trauma responses’ so I’m going off of my own personal experiences, and what I’ve been taught through several hours of counseling.

Trauma responses occur when you’re in a trauma state, where you are experiencing emotional reasoning, black and white thinking and other cognitive distortions. We’ll take a minute to go over what these are.

Emotional reasoning is when you are influenced by your emotions so strongly that you assume it is the truth and factual. For example, you feel jealousy and a fear of infidelity towards your partner, even though they have shown you nothing but devotion and loyalty to you. But, you’ve been cheated on and disregarded for several years prior, so this is the only thing you know. Or maybe you simply feel worthless, or not capable of being loved, so your partner must not really want you and pities you instead. Again, this is because of how you were treated previously, and it’s what you know.

Black and white thinking is something I will probably always struggle with, and it is thinking in extremes or absolutes, also known as all or nothing thinking. It is usually placing something in either a good or a bad category, and it cannot fall anywhere else. Words like: always, nothing, never, perfect, and terrible are synonymous with black and white thinking. It can be thoughts like “he never washes the dishes the right way” when in reality he washes the dishes every day, but maybe missed wiping a spot on the sink afterwards. Or “he’s always going off and doing his own thing, and he never wants to be here with me”. The gray area of thought, where we should be, would be more of “he’s leaving for a little while today to help someone, and we’ll have time together later this evening”. It is also about the “me” thoughts such as “I’m not good enough”, “I’m a terrible wife”, “I’ll never be able to do that”, “I’m the worst mother ever”, or “I’m going to fail this test”.

These are considered cognitive distortions, and while I am not a psychologist, I’m very familiar with what these are. These distortions are simply negatively exaggerated thoughts based on your emotions and not facts. When you experience a trauma, your brain chemistry is changed, and you’re conditioned to think negatively. Emotional and mental abuse over a long period of time, will alter the way you think and feel. Unfortunately most of us who are going through something like this don’t realize it at the time, so we don’t know how to control it. Usually it is well after the trauma is over, that we realize the damage that’s been done. I’ve often stated that I am not the same person I once was, and I’ll never be that person again. This is very true, in some ways it is a good thing.

Trauma responses aren’t only the things that you think or say, but how you actually react to a person or situation. You may react to a situation in a similar way that you would have reacted in a past situation with the narcissist. You may get highly agitated or angry because of something someone is doing, and your response is you thinking it is directed towards you to hurt you. So, you react and yell at them, and get angry.

Trauma responses make us feel like we are threatened, or that someone is doing something to deliberately hurt us. That is what we have already lived through, it is what we know. Living through a narcissistic relationship, we are lied to, cheated on, made to believe we are inadequate, gaslighted, and made to think we are crazy and not worthy of any kid of affection or love. After years of this abuse, we take these things with us and hold on to them. When we ‘recognize’ the same behavior from someone else we’ve let ourselves be vulnerable to, we will react out of those thoughts, feelings and emotions. Although these same behaviors really aren’t the same thing at all.

I could sit here and give you several examples, but truth be told, I am not feeling THAT vulnerable today. You can click the email link on my home page and email me if you’d like to chat, or you can head over to my Facebook page and PM me there.

So, we’ve talked about what trauma responses are and why we have them. How do we live with them and get our freedom back?

Living with them is understanding them, and recognizing them within yourself. You have to heal yourself, and gain back your confidence in yourself.

I will be honest, that when this first starts happening, you’ll likely not notice it. You will believe you are getting upset for a very legitimate reason, because those thoughts and feelings are VERY real to you. The advice that I will give, is what my counselor told me. STOP. BREATHE. THINK. This is the first step. Second, write it down. Get a notepad, draw a line down the middle. On the left side, write down a thought or feeling you’re experiencing and why. On the right side, challenge that thought or feeling with reality. This is VERY hard to do, but if we don’t challenge our negative thoughts and feelings, we’ll never heal.

For example: You get upset because something comes up and your partner has to work on Saturday when you’ve planned a beach trip for weeks. Why are you upset? Trauma Response says your partner deliberately made arrangements to work because they don’t want to be around you, they don’t want to go to the beach with you, and working is just an excuse to be away from you. Truth is, it is something they’re required to do because their office didn’t meet their goals, and it is NOTHING that YOU did. The Fix is to let your partner work, and to just head to the beach late and still have a good time together. Yes, this is much easier said than done.

Trauma responses do not define you. My most favorite scene in a Disney movie is at the end of Moana when she tells Te Ka as she’s replacing the heart of Tafiti “this does not define you”. None of what the narcissist did to you, or the trauma that you experienced, or the emotional and mental baggage you left with defines you.

We have all experienced trauma of some sort. Trauma causes us to respond and react in certain ways to situations or anything that brings up those negative emotions and feelings. Unfortunately, we’re not always aware of the trauma that we’ve been through. Most times, we’re in a fight or flight scenario and we’re just trying to survive. It hurts us, it damages us. But, it does not define us.

For me, there have been a few things that have happened over the past four years that have made me realize that I’m not responding or reacting to the current situation, but I’m reacting with my emotions from memories passed. I’ve blamed people for hurting me, for not wanting to be around me, accused them of lying to me, and just deliberately trying to make my life miserable. After the fact, I realized that it was my emotional and mental trauma that caused me to negatively overexaggerate the situation. I was thinking something was happening, or being done to hurt me, but it was quite the contrary.

Every single one of us is deserving of freedom from our trauma responses. We cannot rely on someone else to help us fix it, or over-reassure us, or shower us with compliments to try and counteract what was previously done to us. It is our responsibility to heal ourselves. We must make the time, whether it be months or years, to allow ourselves healing from our trauma. I will strongly encourage anyone who has gone through a trauma to seek out counseling, or therapy (whatever you want to call it) with a licensed mental health professional. Make sure they specialize in trauma. I’m still healing, and it is a process. It took years for one person to fill my head with everything negative, and it’ll take time for me to clear it. But, I am the only one who can heal me.

Be honest with those close to you that you trust. Tell them you’ve been through trauma, and you may have emotions and memories that can trigger you to act a certain way. If you realize you’ve reacted or responded in a negative way that wasn’t justified, sit down and think about why and talk to the other people involved. No, it isn’t their responsibility to baby you or to walk on eggshells when they’re around you, but they deserve to know.

Always remember, this is not your fault. Someone else did do these things to you. But, it is your responsibility to heal yourself and to be a better person. I’ve been going through stages of trauma responses for four years now, and I’ve finally been able to write about it and understand it. You will too.

Again, if you’d like to discuss any of this with me, feel free to email me or reach out on Facebook. Both links are on the home page.