Narcissistic Abuse Survival

Hey, everyone. Sorry its been a hot minute since I last wrote, but work has been crazy and we’ve been busy as a family. A lot has also happened recently on “the other side” that I’ll write about in later posts.

I’ve been trying to decide what my next blog post would be about, until I saw a random post on social media this morning. It had to do with emotional abuse, and it stated that you can’t prove it in court. This is a subject that I feel strongly about, and I will advocate for it until the day that I die… so let’s get started.

According to Dictionary.com, abuse is to treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way. Often, when we hear that someone was abused, our minds turn to the thought of physical abuse. The way we think about something, is how we are taught to think about that particular thing. Just like some of us are taught racism and to see someone of another color and instantly judge them. Simply put, the way we see things, and the way we view the world is taught, usually by our parents but also from society as a whole.

No one talks about emotional or mental abuse. It is extremely difficult to prove emotional or mental abuse in court, or to anyone. There is no real way to document it for proof… it is always your word against theirs. Of course there are court cases… I’ve researched this. But, as I’ve said before, when you’re in court, everything depends on how good your attorney is, and who the judge is.

Most people believe in a higher being, or beings, whether you claim to be a Christian or something else. You believe in a God or some higher, guiding power. For purposes of this post, we’re going to reference God, instead of every single religion I can think of. So, you don’t see a physical God stand before you each day, however you believe in this God and you know he/she is real, right? We cannot see a viruses with the naked eye, but we know they exist, because they make us sick. Love cannot be seen, it is felt. Again, we cannot see love, but we all know it exists. Can you see radiation? I can’t either, but it exists. Air… The world is filled with air, and we breathe it. We cannot see it, but we know it exists. My point in this paragraph is simple… Just because you cannot see it, doesn’t make it any less real.

When someone is the victim of physical abuse it is visible to others. If you get hit, stabbed, shot, beaten, raped, or pushed down a flight of stairs, there will be signs that something happened to you. We’ve all seen the movies and TV shows where the man hits the woman and she has lacerations and bruises all over her. This is what most of us think of when we hear abuse.

Before going on, I want to acknowledge the fact that physical abuse is real, and that I am in no way, shape or form trying to make this type of abuse seem minimal. This post is simply here to advocate for those who have been abused in other ways, and to make it known that other types of abuse, even though unseen, are very, very real.

Emotional abuse, according to the definition, consists of non-physical behaviors that are meant to control, isolate, or frighten another person.

Mental abuse is the use of threats, verbal insults, among other tactics to control a person’s way of thinking.

I want you all to go back and read both of those…. and then read them again.

Both of these forms of abuse are considered domestic violence. But again, it is extremely hard to prove, because of how difficult it is to document. I’m sure you’re thinking “why not just record your conversations?”. It’s not that easy. First of all, you can’t record your entire life. And when it is happening, your first thought isn’t, “OMG let me get the tape recorder!”. Even if you thought of recording something, that’s when the other person would shut down, and then you just have radio silence.

Narcissists are notorious for abusing their partners in both ways. Most times they are so good at it, you don’t even realize it is happening until you’re in too deep and it has already affected your mental well being, and actually changed you as a person.

Let’s dive a little bit deeper into these forms of abuse. The abuser will call you names or say you’re stupid, they will tell you that you screw things up all the time, or that you don’t know what you’re saying, or that you’re crazy. There will be patronizing comments, and public embarrassment such as starting a fight with you and making it look like your fault. They can be dismissive when you tell them something that is important to you, and then they say “who cares about that?”. There will be the “joking around”, and insults to your appearance. Your accomplishments will mean nothing, and they will belittle them, like graduating from college with a degree for them to say “well, you’ll never go anywhere with that stupid degree”.

Then come the threats, like “I’ll make sure you never see your daughter again.”, they monitor your whereabouts or hire a private investigator to follow you, and obtain your passwords so they can spy on you digitally. They will ‘gaslight’ you which is the way that they make you questions everything including your very existence, your thoughts, and conversations. The decision making, or controlling as I call it, becomes their responsibility. It’s their way or the highway. Then there’s the stonewalling. I am all too familiar with this one… It is when they shut down during an argument and stop responding, sometimes for days or weeks.

Neglect and isolation are two forms of abuse as well. You’ll be dehumanized, invalidated, prevented from socializing, and given the silent treatment. Any type of affection will be withheld, and you’ll never receive any sort of emotional support. And here’s a big one… Working to turn others against you. This last one is a doosie.. and a narcissist will go to the ends of the earth to obtain their ‘flying monkeys’ as I like to call them. More on this later.

There is no responsibility for their actions. Nothing is ever their fault. You’ll be blamed for the things they do and say. They will also never show concern or remorse for their actions.

So, what does this abuse do to the victim?

First, it destroys any self-esteem you may have had. You’re constantly told you’re not worthy, you are not enough, you can be better, you’re the problem, you’re crazy, and that you’re delusional. I will say this a thousand times… but once you hear something enough, you will start to believe it is true. That is exactly what happens.

You can form PTSD, eating disorders, depression, and anxiety. Aside from these things, emotional and mental abuse can skew your perception of what a healthy relationship is supposed to be. Abuse, no matter what kind, is trauma. It will have you question your environment, and also be on alert to the possibilities of future abuse. You’ll form trauma responses (more on this later). You will question yourself. You will also think that this is “normal”, and that this is they way you’re supposed to live.

Again, I am not minimalizing physical abuse. But ALL forms of abuse, whether you can see it or not, are very real. Just because you cannot see it, doesn’t make it any less real. Emotional and mental abuse hurt. It changes your life.

If you’ve been a victim of emotional or mental abuse, it is not your fault. Please reach out and get the help you need. I recommend counseling or therapy… but find someone that understands the type of abuse you’ve endured. At the very least, please see the help lines below.

The National Domestic Violence helpline (1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224 or (206) 518-9361 (Video Phone Only for Deaf Callers)