Narcissistic Abuse Survival

Let’s be clear on something right up front… Unless you are a psychologist or psychiatrist, you cannot diagnose a person with any form of narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder. It is also extremely difficult for even the most skilled professional to diagnose someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) because narcissists are so good at manipulation. We can say if we believe a person exhibits the characteristics. Here, we are going to discuss the symptoms and characteristics of a narcissist. I also encourage everyone to not throw this term, or similar terms, around loosely. It is something, at least in my opinion, that is serious and causes hurt to many people. While I do understand that all of us can at times show some of these characteristics, it does not make us a narcissist. For purposes of my story, and the information I have been told from my counselor, I do say I believe that Sly is a narcissist or at the very least exhibits most of all known narcissistic traits and characteristics. I have been diagnosed with “CPTSD from narcissistic abuse”. So, there’s that.

Moving on… The basic definition of a narcissist is that it is “characterized by a grandiose sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy for others, a need for excessive admiration, and the belief that one is unique and deserving of special treatment” [Psychology Today]. Honestly, this definition is so broad and basic and there is so much more, so let’s dive in…

Narcissists have a very high sense of self-importance. They believe they are the most important people, and that others cannot achieve greatness without them. Just by them being in a relationship, whether business or personal, they think they are a substantial part in the success of it and that the other person is not. If something succeeds, they believe they made it happen. In marriages they presume that the spouse will not be able to live without them. For example, when Sly and I used to argue or have disagreements to the point where I would tell him that one day I was just going to leave and file for divorce, he would always say to me “Huh, good luck with that because you don’t have the ability to pay for anything and I’m the reason you finally left your mother’s house.” They think you will fail without them. When you do succeed without them, this is when you start to see the real anger.

Empathy does not exist inside of a narcissist. However, studies do show that they have an uncanny ability to seek out a true empathetic person for a partner. The fact is, they just don’t care about anyone else’s feelings. They cannot put themselves in someone else’s shoes, or even try and understand if someone close to them is sad or upset. There’s a coldness to them, almost like they are detached and have disengaged completely when emotions bubble up in anyone around them. If you pay close attention, you’ll see them attempt to leave the situation, or they will distract themselves or stare off blankly.

Lies and cheating. This one is a big one. Most narcissists are very good at covering things up and hiding things from everyone around them. I will tell you that if you are in a relationship with a narcissist and your gut is telling you something is off, most likely it is. Sly traveled a lot for work, for days or weeks at a time. Suspicion started in when there were rules that I wasn’t allowed to call him, and he’d always text before calling me while he was out of town. Then there was the $2000 charge on his Discover card that I found from a withdraw from an ATM while he was on a 2 day trip to the Keys for work. Side note: his company paid for his hotel, gas, flights, and food for his trips. As I found out later on after the separation, he had done and said inappropriate things to the daughters of some of my very close friends. We used to have parties, and he would ensure that certain people were drunk enough for them to exit the party and well… all I’ll say is it involved the removal of clothing. You can use your imagination from there. The lies were so bad I couldn’t tell if he was ever telling the truth. He would tell me that he was going somewhere, such as golfing and end up somewhere else. I always just “knew” it was something else going on, but I couldn’t prove it.

Inconsistent behavior. I’m not quite sure what else to call it, and I’m sure there is a term. Even now, Sly has what one might even call multiple personalities. He can be nice and cooperative, and later the same day he is argumentative and impossible to talk to. He was always a different person in private than in public. His persona was to show the world that he is a fun, loveable, admirable person. Truth be told, he was always laughing and the life of the party and everyone loved him. He had an image to uphold. However, with me it was a completely different story. He was the narcissist in every sense of the word. After he sucked me in, and convinced me to marry him, he belittled me and made me think I was not worthy of anything. More on that later.

Isolation of partners. This is one thing I never really saw, but I was also conditioned to certain degree. I was taught that I had a job at home. He was the main money maker, so he was the one who traveled for work and was able to go out wherever and whenever he so choose because it was his money. Mind you, I did work and I paid a lot of the bills as well. However, my job was also to run the household, do all of the chores, grocery shop, and take care of Chloe when she came along. That’s what I did. That’s what I was supposed to do. If I ever said one thing about going out with friends or even over to my parents house by myself, he guilted me into staying home. I shouldn’t be going anywhere without him, I had things at home to take care of, and I didn’t have money to spend on things like that… at least that’s what I was told. I lost many friends this way, and stopped socializing because of this. It got to the point where I didn’t think I was worthy of having relationships with anyone else but him.

The bragging and thinking they are better. Sure this rides along side the grandiose sense of self-importance, but it is something a little different. The negative comments about others is something I remember seeing early on. He’d comment on how f-ing slow the Wal-Mart cashier was, saying how fat the girls seated in front of us at the Bon Jovi concert were, or the statement about the elderly lady and how slow she was walking in front of us… all loud enough for those people and several others to hear. He used to say how my uncle, and some others, were trailer trash just because they lived in a mobile or modular home. He’s made comments about my family and friends, some of which he’s won over since the divorce, such as how my mother talked too much and was slow, my brother was retarded, my brother’s fiancée was a whore, and that my brother’s ex-wife was a white trash skank who was a gold digger. Sly did go to college, but didn’t make it even through the first year before his uncle offered him a job, so he quit school and took the job. However, Sly brags about how hard he worked through school to get the job. He was handed a great opportunity, but he’s never worked to be where he is. I think this would go along with the fact that narcissists create a fantasy version of themselves. Usually they have an exaggerated version of themselves in their minds, that they are better, more attractive, stronger, better than who they really are. Everything about them they believe is deserving of admiration. They literally think they are better than anyone else.

The need for admiration sort of goes along the lines of a few of the other things I’ve mentioned thus far. This, I believe, also comes from the “flying monkeys” routine. Narcissists will only keep those people close that will give them the attention and admiration that they so crave and desire. People serve a purpose to a narcissist, and once you no longer serve that purpose, you’ll get kicked to the curb. Narcissistic supply is a term that is used for these people, and unbeknownst to me, I was one of them.

Exploitation of others. Narcissists view others as tools or purposes to fulfill whatever it is that they need. Some of this we’ll get into in the next post. They will manipulate a person emotionally, financially, control you through dependency, intimidation and threats. They will use you to get what they want, and what they believe they deserve. When I told Sly I was leaving, he threatened me that he would take Chloe away from me, that he would quit his job so he wouldn’t have to pay child support or alimony, and that no one would ever love or care about me aside from him.

Inability to handle criticism. A narcissist is a perfect person, right? At least they think so. I will speak from my own personal experience with this. If you criticize a narcissist, you need to expect anger and retaliation like you have never experienced before. They will tell you why you are wrong, why they are right, and then go on to tell you in great detail why you’re out of line and why you’re the one in the wrong (from whatever story they make up in their heads). I’ve seen this a lot, especially since the divorce. They can do no wrong, and if they do and are confronted, that’s when the name calling and the belittling start. During the marriage I got the silent treatment, for days and weeks sometimes. There was always a smirk that went along with it. I am sure most of you are aware of that smirk.

No Accountability. None whatsoever. Everything that goes wrong is always someone else’s fault. Blame is quickly shifted on someone else. Then there is the ever so popular term gaslighting, which we’ll go into in another post. But this is when they make someone else question their own perceptions, memories, or reality so they don’t have to take the blame.

This is only a crack in the shell of a narcissist, and explains the main traits or characteristics. Later on, I will post about the manipulation tactics and the things a narcissist does to their supply or their victim. In that post, I will bring up some of the “narcissistic terms”, of course with lots of examples.

Feel free to leave comments on things you have faced or experienced, or if you think I’ve left something out. I’d like to talk about it. I’ve found that talking to others who have experienced the same things brings some sort of peace.